Its been a busy few weeks. Ive been really involved with the expert patient program and each time I deliver as a tutor I love it more. This time I was so thrilled that when I did the relaxation part I actually sent someone to sleep.....not always a claim to fame but hey lol
On the other side of life my poor bruv had an accident last week in that he fell off a ladder and broke a bone in his back. So scarey for all involved but it seems he's been lucky with no long term damage and 'if he follows instructions' he shouldnt cause any more damage. Thing is following instructions isnt bruvs thing! He's always been the strong one who's in control and never understood how illness or pain can affect your life.
From my side thats been hard as over the years Ive been ill Ive felt Im being got at so many times but for the sake of family havent responded to comments like 'you have the luxury of staying in bed when youre tired' with luxury??? no way Id love to get up and feel ok and work and have my life back etc etc.
Thing is being hury he's so grumpy I feel he's taking it out on me...last night he said he thought I was going mad as he didnt understand my facebook comments....well facebook is my way of keeping up with friends who do know how I feel, get what I feel and have ususally been there and know how much humor is the only way to live.
Now of course Im reaching the point of being scared to put anything online in case its mis interpretated and Im in the wrong yet again.
Trying to take a deep breath and step back because I dont want to cause family trouble but somedays I could happily scream!!!!
That said the expert patient program is over now till Feb so I can play with cards and crafts (and not have to worry about going out to work ((joke)) )
I mean given the choice how many people do you know that would prefer to live on £100 a week and feel they have to explain every purchase or work and know the money you earn is yours and no one can tell you what to spend it on??? I know which I want and thats why Im doing the expert patient as I dont think otherwise anyone will ever employ a sickie but if they know me and what I can do then maybe just maybe I have a future
Moan over and next I promise will be card like, or cat like but Ambercat has done the oooh the heatings on Im off to bed and you can keep yourself warm thanks
PS do I sound mad or kind of 'lucid' thats where the paranioa steps in.....being told I sound like Im losing my mind has made me wonder if I am.....'They're coming to take me away!!'
Monday, 21 November 2011
Friday, 7 October 2011
CD sunday challenge
This weeks challenge was nature and I made this card using Deb's cd Autumn Butterflies and lace (www.debbeescds.co.uk)
After I took a photo and uploaded it I realised it looked familiar and then I looked at the card I did for the last challenge..... I think Im getting stuck in my ways
Thursday, 15 September 2011
CD sunday challenge
This weeks challenge at http://cdsundaychallenge.blogspot.com/ was the letter M. I was totally stuck for ages but then I thought of a mouse. So here it is
Saturday, 10 September 2011
And even more cards
Mum asked me to make her a couple of 70th birthday cards but as I wasnt sure what she wanted I made these and will let her decide
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Some recent cards
Some more cards Ive made over the last couple of days. The animal image ones are all from the Jayne Netley Mayhew cd and the other is just stamped and coloured with pro markers
Monday, 5 September 2011
Just heard about a challenge blog today
Its http://cdsundaychallenge.blogspot.com/ and it has challenges which incorporate things from cd's. Today one card I made is suitable so I decided to join in. Never having done this before so Im hoping I get it right.
This is the card. It was made using a Joanna Sheen cd called the Jayne Netley Mayhew collection
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Wow its been so long!!!
So loads have things have happened since april and most of them have been good!!!!
I qualified as an expert patient volunteer tutor and passed my first assesment so one more and Im 'accredited'. Ive done my first course and seen how I (yes I) can make a difference to peoples lives. Im not curing them or anything but by showing people how others have the same problems and how they can all try to over come and cope with problems has been amazing.
I went back to the cattery on friday to help out and was totally amazed at how different I felt. I had confidence in myself and just thought hey if I do it wrong it can be sorted out rather than worrying about what people think of me. In a way thats been the main thing. I never thought I could stand up in front of a group of people without thinking they were judging me and thinking OMG shes fat!!! lol Instead I found I could and didnt even think about what they were seeing because the main issue is that as a person with long term illness Im trying to help others and if Im fat and ugly well those are your thoughts lol
The course has finished now so Im hoping to concentrate on some card making again. I havent made anything for ages apart from one card which was for my Mum as she had a minor op (shown above)
Ive neglected so many things to concentrate on the EPP but Im so pleased with myself and feel confident about the future for the first time in ages. All I need now is a cure for ME and a job with EPP and I'll be happy
hopefully other posts to follow within a day or so rather than the odd month lol
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
New cards
So having got the whinging moaning post out of the way I thought Id show some new card photos.
I cant show many as some are for birthdays that havent happened and some are secret sister cards which if I show kind of ruin the whole secret sister plan.
Anyway here are some photos
Hmmm long time no see
and its not really because Ive been ill for a change. Dont get me wrong Ive not been well but other things have over shadowed my life.
Last year I had a DLA tribunal which I lost. Until this year I really wasnt well enough to do anything more than shut myself in my home and cry. This year however I found my anger. I wrote a letter to the heads of the government parties and the leader of my local council. I didnt expect a 'hey we got it wrong heres your money' reply but really wanted them to know how I felt and how Id been treated.
I had a couple of replies but nothing helpful until my local advise centre got in touch. The first phone call was a bad time. Id been away with family, couldnt think and ended up in tears and passing the phone to my dad. The second I wasnt too bad. Still cried but managed to explain that I didnt want help to appeal the tribunal as I had understood to appeal it had to be on a 'point of law' and even if I disagreed with proceedure I was sure the 'law' was right as it was done by a judge. Mainly I wanted to know where I went from here. Do I re-apply or am I blacklisted as a 'cheater'?
I was told to re-apply as the judge and doctor I had worked together on a regular basis and had a nice routine.
First I was asked if I was better, worse or the same as the time of renewal. I was then told I had to answer from the renewal time only. As I said I was worse this meant they could ask things after the renewal and say if I could do that when I was worse I could do it when I was better. To me I spent the whole tribunal being totally confused as to why I was being asked things after the date and what relevance they had as Id already been told that after the date was irrelevant.
I spent the whole tribunal in tears and getting more and more upset and distressed. The guy from the advise centre said if Id had a different judge and doctor I would probably have got DLA. Thats no help to me!!! The fact that I now know that different judges and doctors make different decisions just makes me angry. I had no choice on who heard my tribunal and all I know is I was treated like a lying cheating thief. It destroyed the limited confidence I had and basically sent me into what I can only call a 'breakdown'
I didnt see my doctor at the time for many reasons. I felt so useless and worthless I didnt want to leave the flat, I was scared about what the doctor might say, I was ashamed at how I couldnt cope, I was keeping up normal actions for friends and family and most of all I didnt want to admit how bad I actually was.
So now this time has passed and Ive been told to re-apply and Im scared!!! In my heart I know Im telling the truth about how my life is but I cant help that feel that as Im not an idiot and dont put myself in danger Im not helping myself. I believe in self help and self management but that goes against the DLA rules and by follwing that even though my life is far from normal no one cares!!!
Last year I had a DLA tribunal which I lost. Until this year I really wasnt well enough to do anything more than shut myself in my home and cry. This year however I found my anger. I wrote a letter to the heads of the government parties and the leader of my local council. I didnt expect a 'hey we got it wrong heres your money' reply but really wanted them to know how I felt and how Id been treated.
I had a couple of replies but nothing helpful until my local advise centre got in touch. The first phone call was a bad time. Id been away with family, couldnt think and ended up in tears and passing the phone to my dad. The second I wasnt too bad. Still cried but managed to explain that I didnt want help to appeal the tribunal as I had understood to appeal it had to be on a 'point of law' and even if I disagreed with proceedure I was sure the 'law' was right as it was done by a judge. Mainly I wanted to know where I went from here. Do I re-apply or am I blacklisted as a 'cheater'?
I was told to re-apply as the judge and doctor I had worked together on a regular basis and had a nice routine.
First I was asked if I was better, worse or the same as the time of renewal. I was then told I had to answer from the renewal time only. As I said I was worse this meant they could ask things after the renewal and say if I could do that when I was worse I could do it when I was better. To me I spent the whole tribunal being totally confused as to why I was being asked things after the date and what relevance they had as Id already been told that after the date was irrelevant.
I spent the whole tribunal in tears and getting more and more upset and distressed. The guy from the advise centre said if Id had a different judge and doctor I would probably have got DLA. Thats no help to me!!! The fact that I now know that different judges and doctors make different decisions just makes me angry. I had no choice on who heard my tribunal and all I know is I was treated like a lying cheating thief. It destroyed the limited confidence I had and basically sent me into what I can only call a 'breakdown'
I didnt see my doctor at the time for many reasons. I felt so useless and worthless I didnt want to leave the flat, I was scared about what the doctor might say, I was ashamed at how I couldnt cope, I was keeping up normal actions for friends and family and most of all I didnt want to admit how bad I actually was.
So now this time has passed and Ive been told to re-apply and Im scared!!! In my heart I know Im telling the truth about how my life is but I cant help that feel that as Im not an idiot and dont put myself in danger Im not helping myself. I believe in self help and self management but that goes against the DLA rules and by follwing that even though my life is far from normal no one cares!!!
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Confidence!!
You know confidence is a very strange thing.
As I kid I was so sure I was right all the time which gave me the confidence to say what I thought even if it was wrong and upset people. I got told I was brutally honest and couldnt lie to make people feel better no matter how I tried.
I was brought up by parents who believed that listening to what children say is the right thing to do and then if you have to correct them you do it in a nice way without making them feel bad.
That meant that sure I said and did the wrong thing as a kid but unless it was really bad I was just told why it wasnt acceptable.
I was burnt as a kid and that destroyed a lot of my confidence. I went through secondary school feeling inferior but then realised that I was ME and who ever thought I wasnt good enough had faults and flaws of their own. Mine were physical but who knows where theirs were. I remember going swimming and basically staring out people that stared at my scars as if to say yeah so what????
I know thats not a 'normal' reaction and I went the complete opposite after a while. I was so self conscious I couldnt bear people looking at me in case they were judging me on how I looked..... scars, weight, whatever.
I re-built some of that confidence until I got glandular fever and never recovered. It made me realise people would always judge me on how I looked and acted. If I was fat I was just lazy, if I was confident and self assured I had a mental issue that meant I didnt want to deal with life. That made me retreat into myself so no one could judge me.
I became very depressed and self obsessed in a why on earth would anyone bother even talking to me because Im useless kind of way
Last year I did something called the expert patient program. My first meeting I went to feeling oh boy what now?? as I had done so many other things that were supposed to 'cure' me and hadnt. I went along feeling like a failure before I even got there.
It was an odd course really in that I thought it was going to teach me how to be a perfect patient.... the kind of person the doctor hates as you turn up with loads of literature they havent seen and immediately dismiss. I very soon realised that being an expert patient was different. It was about being in control of my illness rather than suffering from or letting my condition control me. Sure theres no cures but how I feel about things is the main thing.
Half way through the course I said I would be interested in volunteering to help with the course. At that point I kind of thought I was offering to help out while others delivered the course but somehow I found I had volunteered as a tutor!!
After the initial panic there was a period of amazement that someone had seen something within me that they thought I was capable of even if I wasnt sure. I did some training and very quickly realised I couldnt sit in the background letting others speak and saying nothing so the training was the right thing.
Ive only done 2 days of training and have to say they were totally exhausting BUT and there is a big BUT!!! Ive realised I can stand in front of a group of people and tell them what I believe. Theres no waffle like there was when I sold car insurance. No pressure I KNOW this can help and Im not forcing anyone to do it. I dont even care about people looking at my HUGE frame at the front.
Dont get me wrong its very scary and I dont think my heart has ever beaten so fast in my life but up to now Ive only had good comments and when you get good stuff from your peers and not just people who dont know any better thats a great feeling!
As I kid I was so sure I was right all the time which gave me the confidence to say what I thought even if it was wrong and upset people. I got told I was brutally honest and couldnt lie to make people feel better no matter how I tried.
I was brought up by parents who believed that listening to what children say is the right thing to do and then if you have to correct them you do it in a nice way without making them feel bad.
That meant that sure I said and did the wrong thing as a kid but unless it was really bad I was just told why it wasnt acceptable.
I was burnt as a kid and that destroyed a lot of my confidence. I went through secondary school feeling inferior but then realised that I was ME and who ever thought I wasnt good enough had faults and flaws of their own. Mine were physical but who knows where theirs were. I remember going swimming and basically staring out people that stared at my scars as if to say yeah so what????
I know thats not a 'normal' reaction and I went the complete opposite after a while. I was so self conscious I couldnt bear people looking at me in case they were judging me on how I looked..... scars, weight, whatever.
I re-built some of that confidence until I got glandular fever and never recovered. It made me realise people would always judge me on how I looked and acted. If I was fat I was just lazy, if I was confident and self assured I had a mental issue that meant I didnt want to deal with life. That made me retreat into myself so no one could judge me.
I became very depressed and self obsessed in a why on earth would anyone bother even talking to me because Im useless kind of way
Last year I did something called the expert patient program. My first meeting I went to feeling oh boy what now?? as I had done so many other things that were supposed to 'cure' me and hadnt. I went along feeling like a failure before I even got there.
It was an odd course really in that I thought it was going to teach me how to be a perfect patient.... the kind of person the doctor hates as you turn up with loads of literature they havent seen and immediately dismiss. I very soon realised that being an expert patient was different. It was about being in control of my illness rather than suffering from or letting my condition control me. Sure theres no cures but how I feel about things is the main thing.
Half way through the course I said I would be interested in volunteering to help with the course. At that point I kind of thought I was offering to help out while others delivered the course but somehow I found I had volunteered as a tutor!!
After the initial panic there was a period of amazement that someone had seen something within me that they thought I was capable of even if I wasnt sure. I did some training and very quickly realised I couldnt sit in the background letting others speak and saying nothing so the training was the right thing.
Ive only done 2 days of training and have to say they were totally exhausting BUT and there is a big BUT!!! Ive realised I can stand in front of a group of people and tell them what I believe. Theres no waffle like there was when I sold car insurance. No pressure I KNOW this can help and Im not forcing anyone to do it. I dont even care about people looking at my HUGE frame at the front.
Dont get me wrong its very scary and I dont think my heart has ever beaten so fast in my life but up to now Ive only had good comments and when you get good stuff from your peers and not just people who dont know any better thats a great feeling!
Friday, 25 March 2011
Pats Album
The pages arent in order but this is the album I did for my friend Pat. She was 70 in March and is one of the most amazing people I know. Over the last couple of years Ive blogged about how she lost her 2 best friends and then last year lost her husband. She, as you would expect, went into a depression and at one point I was scared that she would go out unless I took her.
Instead in the last couple of weeks shes decided she needs to face the world and get on with life so shes been out and chatted to people she couldnt face and Im so proud of her
Monday, 21 February 2011
The Promise
I put this post on a forum but would be interested to see what other people think
Anyone watching this?
Im so confused I cant decide who is good and who is bad. Im finding it hard as I grew up reading Maisie Moscow ' Next year Jerusalem' and also Leon Uris 'Exodus' and now Im so not sure who was in the right. I believed that the Jewish people deserved Israel but never actually thought about the Palestinian people that already lived there.
Certainly the British got in the middle of something that was nothing to do with them as per usual but I also can see why they did. I know I tend to try to be the peace keeper but watching program like this makes me realise that its a no win situation. People interpret things in different ways.
Im loving this program but just dont know where I want it to go which is so rare in TV now.
What do you all think???
Anyone watching this?
Im so confused I cant decide who is good and who is bad. Im finding it hard as I grew up reading Maisie Moscow ' Next year Jerusalem' and also Leon Uris 'Exodus' and now Im so not sure who was in the right. I believed that the Jewish people deserved Israel but never actually thought about the Palestinian people that already lived there.
Certainly the British got in the middle of something that was nothing to do with them as per usual but I also can see why they did. I know I tend to try to be the peace keeper but watching program like this makes me realise that its a no win situation. People interpret things in different ways.
Im loving this program but just dont know where I want it to go which is so rare in TV now.
What do you all think???
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Its been an interesting day
Or maybe its just been normal and I havent had a normal day of ups and downs for a long time.
Not long after I had got up the phone went. I answered the phone and was amazed when the reply was ' oh I didnt want you' Luckily I recognised that as my Mum so wasnt quite as offended as I could have been, instead I started laughing and told her I was really hurt and rejection before breakfast did nothing for my self esteem!!!!
Obviously only joking as if Im honest I was amused at how confused Mum sounded. It turned out she'd dialled my area code then automatically continued with my number even though she wanted someone else. When she explained want she actually wanted was someone to give a talk or arrnage an activity for the embroiderers guild tomorrow I definately said nope wrong number!!!!
I then went to weight watchers. Ive been a helper there for years even though I havent lost weight. Each week I go I find myself having more and more 'jobs' to do. My leader says its because Im competent but thats not helpful when I come home and collapse for the rest of the day and most of the next day because I feel so ill and sore.
Anyway I got there today to find that setting up was me and her. She had a moan about another helper who had said she had to work and said she should step down so someone else could help. She then told me the other helper was on holiday. I was rather annoyed to find that my leader knew 2 people were off but hadnt got any extra help in so told her how ill I'd been. Normally I try not to say much about my condition but I was upset and angry and completely shocked her. She had no idea how I was affected and spent the rest of the time changing between asking me to do things and telling me to rest!! When she said go home I did happily and have spent most of the afternoon lying on the settee hoping the pain will ease.
People dont understand that physical activity can affect me so much. I live in a flat so asking me to carry boxes up and down stairs in 5 journeys isnt going to help. After about 3 trips I go dizzy and Im in a lot of pain. Then asking me to open doors for people, find peoples details, file details, write notes and then add up stock levels is taxing my brain to over drive. Some weeks I cant even write in a legible manner.
On the good side I lost 2lb.... 1lb that I put on last week and 1lb for this week. I dont mind losing weight very slowly because I cant really exercise and quite honestly find sticking to any diet hard. If I have a really bad day I get the shakes and need sugar which isnt good. As far as Im concerned ANY loss is good
Not long after I had got up the phone went. I answered the phone and was amazed when the reply was ' oh I didnt want you' Luckily I recognised that as my Mum so wasnt quite as offended as I could have been, instead I started laughing and told her I was really hurt and rejection before breakfast did nothing for my self esteem!!!!
Obviously only joking as if Im honest I was amused at how confused Mum sounded. It turned out she'd dialled my area code then automatically continued with my number even though she wanted someone else. When she explained want she actually wanted was someone to give a talk or arrnage an activity for the embroiderers guild tomorrow I definately said nope wrong number!!!!
I then went to weight watchers. Ive been a helper there for years even though I havent lost weight. Each week I go I find myself having more and more 'jobs' to do. My leader says its because Im competent but thats not helpful when I come home and collapse for the rest of the day and most of the next day because I feel so ill and sore.
Anyway I got there today to find that setting up was me and her. She had a moan about another helper who had said she had to work and said she should step down so someone else could help. She then told me the other helper was on holiday. I was rather annoyed to find that my leader knew 2 people were off but hadnt got any extra help in so told her how ill I'd been. Normally I try not to say much about my condition but I was upset and angry and completely shocked her. She had no idea how I was affected and spent the rest of the time changing between asking me to do things and telling me to rest!! When she said go home I did happily and have spent most of the afternoon lying on the settee hoping the pain will ease.
People dont understand that physical activity can affect me so much. I live in a flat so asking me to carry boxes up and down stairs in 5 journeys isnt going to help. After about 3 trips I go dizzy and Im in a lot of pain. Then asking me to open doors for people, find peoples details, file details, write notes and then add up stock levels is taxing my brain to over drive. Some weeks I cant even write in a legible manner.
On the good side I lost 2lb.... 1lb that I put on last week and 1lb for this week. I dont mind losing weight very slowly because I cant really exercise and quite honestly find sticking to any diet hard. If I have a really bad day I get the shakes and need sugar which isnt good. As far as Im concerned ANY loss is good
Monday, 14 February 2011
I went to bed but
as soon as I lay down my mind went into overdrive. Ive been watching Being Human on catch up and find it funny in a sad way.
I went to bed but when I lay down my mind started on the Michael Jackson song Man in the mirror.
It made me think that what we think of ourselves isnt what other people think.
I have friends I admire and love and I would love to be like them and then I discover they arent as happy in themselves as I thought. I have friends who love and admire me, I cant undertand why half the time but knowing they're there means Im happy because I know Im not a complete failiure.
The phrase 'take a look at yourself and make the change' rings so true. Sometimes I spend half my life saying I wish I was this and that but dont put the effort in to being this or that.
In a way I dont know how to be the person I wish I was, I dont have the confidence to be the person I wish I was and thats hard.
Tiny steps for changing the future and not worrying about what people think of me is a good step forward. As they say ' The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step - Lao - Tzu
Tmorrow I may begin that step!!!
Then again I may take a detour and find myself where I am now!
I went to bed but when I lay down my mind started on the Michael Jackson song Man in the mirror.
It made me think that what we think of ourselves isnt what other people think.
I have friends I admire and love and I would love to be like them and then I discover they arent as happy in themselves as I thought. I have friends who love and admire me, I cant undertand why half the time but knowing they're there means Im happy because I know Im not a complete failiure.
The phrase 'take a look at yourself and make the change' rings so true. Sometimes I spend half my life saying I wish I was this and that but dont put the effort in to being this or that.
In a way I dont know how to be the person I wish I was, I dont have the confidence to be the person I wish I was and thats hard.
Tiny steps for changing the future and not worrying about what people think of me is a good step forward. As they say ' The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step - Lao - Tzu
Tmorrow I may begin that step!!!
Then again I may take a detour and find myself where I am now!
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Deep sleeps the winter
Cold wet and grey
Surely all the world is dead
Spring is far away
But wait the world shall waken
it isn not dead for lo
The fair maids of february standing in the snow!!!!
My favourite poem. I love snowdrops and when my niece was born in february both Mum and I hoped she would be our snowdrop fairy. As it is she like daffodils lol
Cant complain too much as any sign of spring makes me so happy.
Mum and Dad took me to Dunham Massey a national trust place near us to see the winter garden. Walking round was exhausting and more than Ive done for ages but seeing glimpses of colour and new life makes life worthwhile
I realised I love seeing plants grow even if Im not a gardener and dont enjoy gardening. In my own little plot of garden I found from my herbs that chives, parsley, purple sage and thyme (i think) have survived the winter but somehow I killed the un-killable mint!!!
A minor moan or maybe just what I wish I could say lol
I went to see my friend Pat today and as I was leaving she mentioned that Ann and Chris would be delivering her shopping at some point. My first thought was omg Id better get out of here but later as I thought about I realised Im not scared of Ann. Ive upset her by suggesting she reported me for benefit fraud. I cant be certain because obviously benefit inspectors cant tell you that kind of thing but adding things up its was either her or Pete reported me 3 months after he died!
I confronted her and was told she didnt believe I was ill in any way and that she thought I was playing the system.
In my mind today I was going through a confrontation of what she might say and what I might say. Mine was along the lines of does she realise this time last year I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown? I was scared to go out, scared to answer the phone because every phone needed my help and I had nothing left to give. I realised that in a way I really blame her because Margaret and Grace as well as Pete and Pat were her friends first but somehow I ended up looking after everyone because she doesnt do illness or sad stuff. To then be reported as fit for work because I coped is to my mind unbeleivable. Then I thought Pat doesnt know how bad I was and I dont want her too. I would hate her to feel any guilt over Margaret because she was trying to cope with Pete.
All in all I realised that if I met Ann and had a confrontation all I could really say to her was that I had a clear conscience and had no regrets about what I did that year. I know I havent lied in any way on any forms or interviews and thats as far as I can say..... well actually my mind said 'at least I can sleep at night' but then last year it took a fair amount of alcohol to make that true.
All in the past now...... cant change the past only how I see it
Its a closure in itself. I realised that someone I thought was a friend was someone I dont actually miss that much so maybe there were always disbelieving vibes?
I confronted her and was told she didnt believe I was ill in any way and that she thought I was playing the system.
In my mind today I was going through a confrontation of what she might say and what I might say. Mine was along the lines of does she realise this time last year I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown? I was scared to go out, scared to answer the phone because every phone needed my help and I had nothing left to give. I realised that in a way I really blame her because Margaret and Grace as well as Pete and Pat were her friends first but somehow I ended up looking after everyone because she doesnt do illness or sad stuff. To then be reported as fit for work because I coped is to my mind unbeleivable. Then I thought Pat doesnt know how bad I was and I dont want her too. I would hate her to feel any guilt over Margaret because she was trying to cope with Pete.
All in all I realised that if I met Ann and had a confrontation all I could really say to her was that I had a clear conscience and had no regrets about what I did that year. I know I havent lied in any way on any forms or interviews and thats as far as I can say..... well actually my mind said 'at least I can sleep at night' but then last year it took a fair amount of alcohol to make that true.
All in the past now...... cant change the past only how I see it
Its a closure in itself. I realised that someone I thought was a friend was someone I dont actually miss that much so maybe there were always disbelieving vibes?
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Few more cards
Here are some of my recent cards. The cat ones are from a cd rom that a good friend sent me. The purple/pink ones are attempts for my nieces birthday. I did the cat one and wasnt happy so did the little girl instead. Then decided I prefer the cat one anyway lolThe shaped card was just a play with my new toys as I got some promarkers and some frames at a craft show last week.
The second one down was for a challenge called 'arrows' now as it was my fault it was called arrows I cant really complain BUT I was totally clueless lol
The story behind that was I went on to the card making forum one day and put a post about how Id been awake half the night trying to come up with arrow designs for this months competition. Only when I looked at the forum there was no post about the competition never mind about an arrow theme. Id dreamt the whole thing!! A couple of days later I got a prize for coming joint second in the last competition and when I opened it it had arrow chip board shapes in.....talk about freaky. Problem is I still cant think of a good design. I tried to cover the chipboard and made a mess of it so my card didnt include it.
Monday, 7 February 2011
Lovely Day
Although as usual not quite as planned.
This morning I woke late but went to meet Mum and Dad at the pool. Part way there I wondered if I should be driving or if people were just being silly. Then the car in front indicated way too late for the turning and ended up parked across the side road so maybe it wasnt me.
I had a lovely soak in the jacuzzi and then came home planning on making cards. I so need to make a card for my nieces birthday.
Anyway I had a message on my answer phone from the friend I was due to visit tomorrow asking if I wanted to go this afternoon. I had a lovely time chatting to her and watching her beautiful grandaughter playing. Its kind of difficult as I love kids especially when they are old enough to interact with you but Im also aware that although I may have seen them a few times since birth they're not going to remember. As much as I would love a cuddle it would freak them out so I have to behave. As it was I got some giggles and laughs which makes my day.
Having a brew and a chat also was great. We chatted about the expert patient program as my friend is already a volunteer and Im due to train next month so she calmed my worries and fears.
So tomorrows plans involve card making I guess
This morning I woke late but went to meet Mum and Dad at the pool. Part way there I wondered if I should be driving or if people were just being silly. Then the car in front indicated way too late for the turning and ended up parked across the side road so maybe it wasnt me.
I had a lovely soak in the jacuzzi and then came home planning on making cards. I so need to make a card for my nieces birthday.
Anyway I had a message on my answer phone from the friend I was due to visit tomorrow asking if I wanted to go this afternoon. I had a lovely time chatting to her and watching her beautiful grandaughter playing. Its kind of difficult as I love kids especially when they are old enough to interact with you but Im also aware that although I may have seen them a few times since birth they're not going to remember. As much as I would love a cuddle it would freak them out so I have to behave. As it was I got some giggles and laughs which makes my day.
Having a brew and a chat also was great. We chatted about the expert patient program as my friend is already a volunteer and Im due to train next month so she calmed my worries and fears.
So tomorrows plans involve card making I guess
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Brainfog
Im on a forum called www.brainfog.org which is for people with ME but looking at the lighter sillier side instead of the doom and gloom that some forums focus on.
A post was put the other day about 'highly sensitive people' now if you asked me I would have said I wasnt highly sensitive but I now realise I would actually have meant I wasnt 'paranoid' or 'touchy'
Being highly sensitive is something that so many people seem to be.
Although I have a high pain threshold in some ways because past history meant I couldnt react to pain other things are so amazingly true with so many ME people
I cant cope with things around my throat and even cleaning my teeth makes me gag
I cant cope with wool or 'itchy' things against my skin
I cant stand up and close my eyes without falling over
I cant walk in a straight line sober or drunk
I cant cope with loud noises
I cant sleep if theres any noise at all
I sniff food to see if its fresh because if it smells 'funny' I cant eat it
I find it so amazing that my friends with ME have similar problems
A post was put the other day about 'highly sensitive people' now if you asked me I would have said I wasnt highly sensitive but I now realise I would actually have meant I wasnt 'paranoid' or 'touchy'
Being highly sensitive is something that so many people seem to be.
Although I have a high pain threshold in some ways because past history meant I couldnt react to pain other things are so amazingly true with so many ME people
I cant cope with things around my throat and even cleaning my teeth makes me gag
I cant cope with wool or 'itchy' things against my skin
I cant stand up and close my eyes without falling over
I cant walk in a straight line sober or drunk
I cant cope with loud noises
I cant sleep if theres any noise at all
I sniff food to see if its fresh because if it smells 'funny' I cant eat it
I find it so amazing that my friends with ME have similar problems
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Dream world
I always had odd realistic dreams but since getting ME/CFS I cant always tell whats real and whats a dream.
As a kid I had this dream on various occasions where I was walking through a wood land and the path got more and more narrow. There where huge drops off either side and in my dream I never reached the other side. As a teenager I went to scotland and followed a path that was so familiar it scared me. I reached the other side and never had the dream again.
In a way that scares me as one of my recurrent dreams involves an obstacle course I know I cant phsyically fit through and Im dreading it coming true.
If you think Ive made it up I used to dream of people visiting who did, Id answer the phone with my Grans phone number when she called and my Grandad always said I was Fae.... Then again being called Tabitha I wanted to be a witch and have special powers so what was real???
my first dream was that I was on a different planet with a toxic atmosphere and in a land vehicle dropping people off home. For some reason the shields were failing and as there was a solar flare due we didnt know if we would get into safety. The driver refused to shelter at a safe place so we carried on. A huge rock came through the window and loads of shields came down over the windows and the 'pod' went into shut down. So we were somewhere on a planet waiting for something that we didnt know when it would happen or if we would survive it! I woke trying to explain to the driver just why I thought he was an idiot
My second one I was running a race (never been a runner) it was a kind of treasure hunt as well so the route wasnt known. I was in the lead and finally got into the right pub at the finishing line. Oddly enough the pub was called the Gallows which was the name of a pub I used to go in when younger, but the lay out was completely different. After trying to explain that yes I had won, even though I was disabled and no I hadnt cheated I realised there was no where at all to sit down and my energy was rapidly disappearing. I collapsed on the floor and couldnt move. Thats when I woke feeling as though Id well run a marathon
No wonder I wake feeling so exhausted when my brain and body goes through so much at night
As a kid I had this dream on various occasions where I was walking through a wood land and the path got more and more narrow. There where huge drops off either side and in my dream I never reached the other side. As a teenager I went to scotland and followed a path that was so familiar it scared me. I reached the other side and never had the dream again.
In a way that scares me as one of my recurrent dreams involves an obstacle course I know I cant phsyically fit through and Im dreading it coming true.
If you think Ive made it up I used to dream of people visiting who did, Id answer the phone with my Grans phone number when she called and my Grandad always said I was Fae.... Then again being called Tabitha I wanted to be a witch and have special powers so what was real???
my first dream was that I was on a different planet with a toxic atmosphere and in a land vehicle dropping people off home. For some reason the shields were failing and as there was a solar flare due we didnt know if we would get into safety. The driver refused to shelter at a safe place so we carried on. A huge rock came through the window and loads of shields came down over the windows and the 'pod' went into shut down. So we were somewhere on a planet waiting for something that we didnt know when it would happen or if we would survive it! I woke trying to explain to the driver just why I thought he was an idiot
My second one I was running a race (never been a runner) it was a kind of treasure hunt as well so the route wasnt known. I was in the lead and finally got into the right pub at the finishing line. Oddly enough the pub was called the Gallows which was the name of a pub I used to go in when younger, but the lay out was completely different. After trying to explain that yes I had won, even though I was disabled and no I hadnt cheated I realised there was no where at all to sit down and my energy was rapidly disappearing. I collapsed on the floor and couldnt move. Thats when I woke feeling as though Id well run a marathon
No wonder I wake feeling so exhausted when my brain and body goes through so much at night
Sunday, 30 January 2011
blog hopping blog candy
So while blog hopping today I was looking for pro marker hints and tips and found this blog
http://wiccababe.blogspot.com/
Its wonderful and full of loads of ways of using promarkers so I will definately be back
Friday, 28 January 2011
Cuddly cat?
My cat Amber is in my mind the soppiest daftest silliest cat Ive ever known. I have been know to great her with 'Hello Gormless' when I really meant gorgeous and she still purrs. She has daily medication that she pulls the pill pusher off the table so I can give her a tablet. She jumps on my knee when I get the nail clippers out and basically I can do more or less anything with her.
When taking photos of my old cat Mogs who's now died I was ignoring Amber and when I turned around she was just there so I snapped her. I was shocked when I saw the grumpy, narky cat on the photo. I mean thats not MY Amber.....
However I showed the picture to my friend Helen who runs the cattery where Amber (and Mogs) have stayed on many occasions and was amazed when she picked up the grumpy picture and said ok this is Amber but who's the other cat!!
It so makes me laugh to look at that grump little face and know that the cat I see daily is the purry furry cuddle kitten version
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
No self confidence
I realise that since getting ill I have so little self confidence its untrue. Before I got ill I didnt always fit in with the 'normal' or 'trendy' crowd but somehow I knew that who I was, was fine. Possibly over arrogant and thought I was better than some but I was raised to know my worth and believe in it. Something I believe kids today have lost.
Since getting ill with ME/CFS Ive lost that completely. I dont understand why anyone would want to know me. to be near me to care about me. Slowly as time goes by and through a wonderful website forum on www.brainfog.org Ive realised people care for me! They actually want to know whats going on in my life and want me to visit them when I can.
I find it so odd that I have such a low opinion of myself and yet so flattering that others want to meet me. Maybe in time I will be the person (in person) that people think I am and not the person I think I am.
Dont get me wrong I have occupational therapists saying I cant work because Im socially inadequate and voluntary bosses having me as the first contact because they can rely on me to do the best I can. No wonder Im confused with life in general.
Lifes as good as you can make I think. Sure I can concentrate on the cr*p and that I have no money, feel totally useless and worthless but I can decide to concentrate on the good. I have family and friends that love me. Theres the fantastic countryside and nature that are free. There are things I can offer the world which may not bring in money but if they make me and others happy who cares about money?
Time and love and care I can offer.... work will come when Im well enough
Since getting ill with ME/CFS Ive lost that completely. I dont understand why anyone would want to know me. to be near me to care about me. Slowly as time goes by and through a wonderful website forum on www.brainfog.org Ive realised people care for me! They actually want to know whats going on in my life and want me to visit them when I can.
I find it so odd that I have such a low opinion of myself and yet so flattering that others want to meet me. Maybe in time I will be the person (in person) that people think I am and not the person I think I am.
Dont get me wrong I have occupational therapists saying I cant work because Im socially inadequate and voluntary bosses having me as the first contact because they can rely on me to do the best I can. No wonder Im confused with life in general.
Lifes as good as you can make I think. Sure I can concentrate on the cr*p and that I have no money, feel totally useless and worthless but I can decide to concentrate on the good. I have family and friends that love me. Theres the fantastic countryside and nature that are free. There are things I can offer the world which may not bring in money but if they make me and others happy who cares about money?
Time and love and care I can offer.... work will come when Im well enough
Monday, 24 January 2011
Todays update
I recently volunteered to be a tutor for the expert patient program. Its based on managing long term illnesses. For years Ive avoided it thinking it was designed to make you an expert in your condition and therefore (as doctors are concerned) a total pain in the neck (or wherever you feel)
I very quickly learnt that the expert patient is about teaching people to manage their conditions and live the best life they can.
From a personal point of view I found that applying for DLA and attending a tribunal the worst thing ever, and the attitiude of managing your condition means theres no problem which isnt true. I have written various letters and will update you in time.
Today I attended the first training session Ive had in goodness knows how many years. It was about safeguarding children. Although I dont expect to be working with children it really opened my eyes. It made me realise that my childhood experiences now would be classed as abuse. They WERENT!!! and I know that but it totally freaked me out. Things that as a kid happened and even though my parents loved and protected me, things happened to me that I couldnt control. I look at as an an adult and realise the lack of choice that my parents had and feel so sorry that they feel so responsible for circumstances they had no control over
I very quickly learnt that the expert patient is about teaching people to manage their conditions and live the best life they can.
From a personal point of view I found that applying for DLA and attending a tribunal the worst thing ever, and the attitiude of managing your condition means theres no problem which isnt true. I have written various letters and will update you in time.
Today I attended the first training session Ive had in goodness knows how many years. It was about safeguarding children. Although I dont expect to be working with children it really opened my eyes. It made me realise that my childhood experiences now would be classed as abuse. They WERENT!!! and I know that but it totally freaked me out. Things that as a kid happened and even though my parents loved and protected me, things happened to me that I couldnt control. I look at as an an adult and realise the lack of choice that my parents had and feel so sorry that they feel so responsible for circumstances they had no control over
Saturday, 22 January 2011
What can I say
Yet again theres been such a huge gap you'd have thought I fell off the planet. However unlike Rincewind I didnt fall over the edge I just erm well lost interest.... If youre confused dont worry so am I but Im enjoying Terry Pratchet which is always good for the obscure.
So where have I been?? Well if Im honest I have no idea. Last year was really hard for me and I fell into such a huge depression I wondered if I would ever come out of it. As things stand I think I have come back to normal earth. Things arent great but I have my sense of humour back and Im enjoying playing with cards. Both things make me feel good.
So new year new start. I mean over the last couple of years Ive lost 3 very good friends through death and 1 through finding out they reported me for benefit fraud. Obviously they dont know me as well as they thought because if I could work, earn my OWN money and not be a 'burden' on society believe me I would and Im always working towards that goal.
Anyway this year I plan to have fun, enjoy the ridiculous and find the 'me' I like instead of the whinging moaning person Ive been
OK Im still ill. I still have ME/CFS but you know in a way it makes me laugh and makes me realise just how lucky I am in life.
For example my parents are fantastic. They take me out, they make me laugh even if they didnt mean to and they make me realise I am a worthwhile person when Im feeling down
On the ME side the other day whilst at the 'rents the mantle clock dinged 5pm. Dad said Im sure that clock is fast what time is it. I looked at my watch and said 11.15...... after a few seconds silence I said errmmmm my watch is on upside down lol
So time to enjoy life and whatever lemons life throws at me as they say I will make lemonade.... actually I hate real lemonade but you get the idea!!!
So where have I been?? Well if Im honest I have no idea. Last year was really hard for me and I fell into such a huge depression I wondered if I would ever come out of it. As things stand I think I have come back to normal earth. Things arent great but I have my sense of humour back and Im enjoying playing with cards. Both things make me feel good.
So new year new start. I mean over the last couple of years Ive lost 3 very good friends through death and 1 through finding out they reported me for benefit fraud. Obviously they dont know me as well as they thought because if I could work, earn my OWN money and not be a 'burden' on society believe me I would and Im always working towards that goal.
Anyway this year I plan to have fun, enjoy the ridiculous and find the 'me' I like instead of the whinging moaning person Ive been
OK Im still ill. I still have ME/CFS but you know in a way it makes me laugh and makes me realise just how lucky I am in life.
For example my parents are fantastic. They take me out, they make me laugh even if they didnt mean to and they make me realise I am a worthwhile person when Im feeling down
On the ME side the other day whilst at the 'rents the mantle clock dinged 5pm. Dad said Im sure that clock is fast what time is it. I looked at my watch and said 11.15...... after a few seconds silence I said errmmmm my watch is on upside down lol
So time to enjoy life and whatever lemons life throws at me as they say I will make lemonade.... actually I hate real lemonade but you get the idea!!!
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