I went to see my friend Pat today and as I was leaving she mentioned that Ann and Chris would be delivering her shopping at some point. My first thought was omg Id better get out of here but later as I thought about I realised Im not scared of Ann. Ive upset her by suggesting she reported me for benefit fraud. I cant be certain because obviously benefit inspectors cant tell you that kind of thing but adding things up its was either her or Pete reported me 3 months after he died!
I confronted her and was told she didnt believe I was ill in any way and that she thought I was playing the system.
In my mind today I was going through a confrontation of what she might say and what I might say. Mine was along the lines of does she realise this time last year I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown? I was scared to go out, scared to answer the phone because every phone needed my help and I had nothing left to give. I realised that in a way I really blame her because Margaret and Grace as well as Pete and Pat were her friends first but somehow I ended up looking after everyone because she doesnt do illness or sad stuff. To then be reported as fit for work because I coped is to my mind unbeleivable. Then I thought Pat doesnt know how bad I was and I dont want her too. I would hate her to feel any guilt over Margaret because she was trying to cope with Pete.
All in all I realised that if I met Ann and had a confrontation all I could really say to her was that I had a clear conscience and had no regrets about what I did that year. I know I havent lied in any way on any forms or interviews and thats as far as I can say..... well actually my mind said 'at least I can sleep at night' but then last year it took a fair amount of alcohol to make that true.
All in the past now...... cant change the past only how I see it
Its a closure in itself. I realised that someone I thought was a friend was someone I dont actually miss that much so maybe there were always disbelieving vibes?
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