I went to bed but

as soon as I lay down my mind went into overdrive. Ive been watching Being Human on catch up and find it funny in a sad way.
I went to bed but when I lay down my mind started on the Michael Jackson song Man in the mirror.
It made me think that what we think of ourselves isnt what other people think.
I have friends I admire and love and I would love to be like them and then I discover they arent as happy in themselves as I thought. I have friends who love and admire me, I cant undertand why half the time but knowing they're there means Im happy because I know Im not a complete failiure.

The phrase 'take a look at yourself and make the change' rings so true. Sometimes I spend half my life saying I wish I was this and that but dont put the effort in to being this or that.
In a way I dont know how to be the person I wish I was, I dont have the confidence to be the person I wish I was and thats hard.
Tiny steps for changing the future and not worrying about what people think of me is a good step forward. As they say ' The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step - Lao - Tzu
Tmorrow I may begin that step!!!

Then again I may take a detour and find myself where I am now!

Deep sleeps the winter

Cold wet and grey
Surely all the world is dead
Spring is far away
But wait the world shall waken
it isn not dead for lo
The fair maids of february standing in the snow!!!!

My favourite poem. I love snowdrops and when my niece was born in february both Mum and I hoped she would be our snowdrop fairy. As it is she like daffodils lol
Cant complain too much as any sign of spring makes me so happy.
Mum and Dad took me to Dunham Massey a national trust place near us to see the winter garden. Walking round was exhausting and more than Ive done for ages but seeing glimpses of colour and new life makes life worthwhile
I realised I love seeing plants grow even if Im not a gardener and dont enjoy gardening. In my own little plot of garden I found from my herbs that chives, parsley, purple sage and thyme (i think) have survived the winter but somehow I killed the un-killable mint!!!

A minor moan or maybe just what I wish I could say lol

I went to see my friend Pat today and as I was leaving she mentioned that Ann and Chris would be delivering her shopping at some point. My first thought was omg Id better get out of here but later as I thought about I realised Im not scared of Ann. Ive upset her by suggesting she reported me for benefit fraud. I cant be certain because obviously benefit inspectors cant tell you that kind of thing but adding things up its was either her or Pete reported me 3 months after he died!
I confronted her and was told she didnt believe I was ill in any way and that she thought I was playing the system.
In my mind today I was going through a confrontation of what she might say and what I might say. Mine was along the lines of does she realise this time last year I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown? I was scared to go out, scared to answer the phone because every phone needed my help and I had nothing left to give. I realised that in a way I really blame her because Margaret and Grace as well as Pete and Pat were her friends first but somehow I ended up looking after everyone because she doesnt do illness or sad stuff. To then be reported as fit for work because I coped is to my mind unbeleivable. Then I thought Pat doesnt know how bad I was and I dont want her too. I would hate her to feel any guilt over Margaret because she was trying to cope with Pete.
All in all I realised that if I met Ann and had a confrontation all I could really say to her was that I had a clear conscience and had no regrets about what I did that year. I know I havent lied in any way on any forms or interviews and thats as far as I can say..... well actually my mind said 'at least I can sleep at night' but then last year it took a fair amount of alcohol to make that true.

All in the past now...... cant change the past only how I see it
Its a closure in itself. I realised that someone I thought was a friend was someone I dont actually miss that much so maybe there were always disbelieving vibes?

Few more cards

Here are some of my recent cards. The cat ones are from a cd rom that a good friend sent me. The purple/pink ones are attempts for my nieces birthday. I did the cat one and wasnt happy so did the little girl instead. Then decided I prefer the cat one anyway lol
The shaped card was just a play with my new toys as I got some promarkers and some frames at a craft show last week.
The second one down was for a challenge called 'arrows' now as it was my fault it was called arrows I cant really complain BUT I was totally clueless lol

The story behind that was I went on to the card making forum one day and put a post about how Id been awake half the night trying to come up with arrow designs for this months competition. Only when I looked at the forum there was no post about the competition never mind about an arrow theme. Id dreamt the whole thing!! A couple of days later I got a prize for coming joint second in the last competition and when I opened it it had arrow chip board shapes in.....talk about freaky. Problem is I still cant think of a good design. I tried to cover the chipboard and made a mess of it so my card didnt include it.

Lovely Day

Although as usual not quite as planned.

This morning I woke late but went to meet Mum and Dad at the pool. Part way there I wondered if I should be driving or if people were just being silly. Then the car in front indicated way too late for the turning and ended up parked across the side road so maybe it wasnt me.
I had a lovely soak in the jacuzzi and then came home planning on making cards. I so need to make a card for my nieces birthday.
Anyway I had a message on my answer phone from the friend I was due to visit tomorrow asking if I wanted to go this afternoon. I had a lovely time chatting to her and watching her beautiful grandaughter playing. Its kind of difficult as I love kids especially when they are old enough to interact with you but Im also aware that although I may have seen them a few times since birth they're not going to remember. As much as I would love a cuddle it would freak them out so I have to behave. As it was I got some giggles and laughs which makes my day.

Having a brew and a chat also was great. We chatted about the expert patient program as my friend is already a volunteer and Im due to train next month so she calmed my worries and fears.

So tomorrows plans involve card making I guess

Brainfog

Im on a forum called www.brainfog.org which is for people with ME but looking at the lighter sillier side instead of the doom and gloom that some forums focus on.

A post was put the other day about 'highly sensitive people' now if you asked me I would have said I wasnt highly sensitive but I now realise I would actually have meant I wasnt 'paranoid' or 'touchy'

Being highly sensitive is something that so many people seem to be.

Although I have a high pain threshold in some ways because past history meant I couldnt react to pain other things are so amazingly true with so many ME people

I cant cope with things around my throat and even cleaning my teeth makes me gag

I cant cope with wool or 'itchy' things against my skin

I cant stand up and close my eyes without falling over

I cant walk in a straight line sober or drunk

I cant cope with loud noises

I cant sleep if theres any noise at all

I sniff food to see if its fresh because if it smells 'funny' I cant eat it

I find it so amazing that my friends with ME have similar problems

Dream world

I always had odd realistic dreams but since getting ME/CFS I cant always tell whats real and whats a dream.
As a kid I had this dream on various occasions where I was walking through a wood land and the path got more and more narrow. There where huge drops off either side and in my dream I never reached the other side. As a teenager I went to scotland and followed a path that was so familiar it scared me. I reached the other side and never had the dream again.

In a way that scares me as one of my recurrent dreams involves an obstacle course I know I cant phsyically fit through and Im dreading it coming true.

If you think Ive made it up I used to dream of people visiting who did, Id answer the phone with my Grans phone number when she called and my Grandad always said I was Fae.... Then again being called Tabitha I wanted to be a witch and have special powers so what was real???

my first dream was that I was on a different planet with a toxic atmosphere and in a land vehicle dropping people off home. For some reason the shields were failing and as there was a solar flare due we didnt know if we would get into safety. The driver refused to shelter at a safe place so we carried on. A huge rock came through the window and loads of shields came down over the windows and the 'pod' went into shut down. So we were somewhere on a planet waiting for something that we didnt know when it would happen or if we would survive it! I woke trying to explain to the driver just why I thought he was an idiot

My second one I was running a race (never been a runner) it was a kind of treasure hunt as well so the route wasnt known. I was in the lead and finally got into the right pub at the finishing line. Oddly enough the pub was called the Gallows which was the name of a pub I used to go in when younger, but the lay out was completely different. After trying to explain that yes I had won, even though I was disabled and no I hadnt cheated I realised there was no where at all to sit down and my energy was rapidly disappearing. I collapsed on the floor and couldnt move. Thats when I woke feeling as though Id well run a marathon

No wonder I wake feeling so exhausted when my brain and body goes through so much at night