M.E. myself and I

Debs Challenge

2012-02-06T05:19:00.001-08:00

This card is for Debs challenge on

http://debbeescdsblogspot.blogspot.com/

I love the design papers available so it was hard to choose which to use

New challenge cards

2012-02-06T05:16:00.001-08:00

These cards are for challenges on the craft cupboard show and tell group

Going Buggy Challenge card

2012-01-11T04:44:00.000-08:00

http://going-buggy.blogspot.com/2012/01/going-buggy-challenge.html

The challenge is Grey White and Red or Black White and Red so this is what I thought of.

Happy New Year

2012-01-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know Im late and havent been around here for ages but thats life right?

Im trying to recover from christmas, new year, late nights too much food and alcohol and all that and instead Ive hit a hyper somnia time (Hyper or hypo??? always sleepy anyway.)

Today I made my 2nd and 3rd cards of the year which is amazing but I enjoyed playing and hopefully will have time to play some more tomorrow. Thing is I go online for ideas and spend the day looking at blogs and websites and then its sleepy time again and Ive done sod all!!

Ah well never mind hope you like todays plays.

Hmmm paranoid or not?

2011-11-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

Its been a busy few weeks. Ive been really involved with the expert patient program and each time I deliver as a tutor I love it more. This time I was so thrilled that when I did the relaxation part I actually sent someone to sleep.....not always a claim to fame but hey lol

On the other side of life my poor bruv had an accident last week in that he fell off a ladder and broke a bone in his back. So scarey for all involved but it seems he's been lucky with no long term damage and 'if he follows instructions' he shouldnt cause any more damage. Thing is following instructions isnt bruvs thing! He's always been the strong one who's in control and never understood how illness or pain can affect your life.

From my side thats been hard as over the years Ive been ill Ive felt Im being got at so many times but for the sake of family havent responded to comments like 'you have the luxury of staying in bed when youre tired' with luxury??? no way Id love to get up and feel ok and work and have my life back etc etc.

Thing is being hury he's so grumpy I feel he's taking it out on me...last night he said he thought I was going mad as he didnt understand my facebook comments....well facebook is my way of keeping up with friends who do know how I feel, get what I feel and have ususally been there and know how much humor is the only way to live.

Now of course Im reaching the point of being scared to put anything online in case its mis interpretated and Im in the wrong yet again.

Trying to take a deep breath and step back because I dont want to cause family trouble but somedays I could happily scream!!!!

That said the expert patient program is over now till Feb so I can play with cards and crafts (and not have to worry about going out to work ((joke)) )

I mean given the choice how many people do you know that would prefer to live on £100 a week and feel they have to explain every purchase or work and know the money you earn is yours and no one can tell you what to spend it on??? I know which I want and thats why Im doing the expert patient as I dont think otherwise anyone will ever employ a sickie but if they know me and what I can do then maybe just maybe I have a future

Moan over and next I promise will be card like, or cat like but Ambercat has done the oooh the heatings on Im off to bed and you can keep yourself warm thanks

PS do I sound mad or kind of 'lucid' thats where the paranioa steps in.....being told I sound like Im losing my mind has made me wonder if I am.....'They're coming to take me away!!'

CD sunday challenge

2011-10-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

This weeks challenge was nature and I made this card using Deb's cd Autumn Butterflies and lace (www.debbeescds.co.uk)
After I took a photo and uploaded it I realised it looked familiar and then I looked at the card I did for the last challenge..... I think Im getting stuck in my ways

CD sunday challenge

2011-09-15T05:22:00.001-07:00

This weeks challenge at http://cdsundaychallenge.blogspot.com/ was the letter M. I was totally stuck for ages but then I thought of a mouse. So here it is

And even more cards

2011-09-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

Mum asked me to make her a couple of 70th birthday cards but as I wasnt sure what she wanted I made these and will let her decide

Some recent cards

2011-09-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

Some more cards Ive made over the last couple of days. The animal image ones are all from the Jayne Netley Mayhew cd and the other is just stamped and coloured with pro markers

Just heard about a challenge blog today

2011-09-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Its http://cdsundaychallenge.blogspot.com/ and it has challenges which incorporate things from cd's. Today one card I made is suitable so I decided to join in. Never having done this before so Im hoping I get it right.
This is the card. It was made using a Joanna Sheen cd called the Jayne Netley Mayhew collection

Wow its been so long!!!

2011-08-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

So loads have things have happened since april and most of them have been good!!!!

I qualified as an expert patient volunteer tutor and passed my first assesment so one more and Im 'accredited'. Ive done my first course and seen how I (yes I) can make a difference to peoples lives. Im not curing them or anything but by showing people how others have the same problems and how they can all try to over come and cope with problems has been amazing.

I went back to the cattery on friday to help out and was totally amazed at how different I felt. I had confidence in myself and just thought hey if I do it wrong it can be sorted out rather than worrying about what people think of me. In a way thats been the main thing. I never thought I could stand up in front of a group of people without thinking they were judging me and thinking OMG shes fat!!! lol Instead I found I could and didnt even think about what they were seeing because the main issue is that as a person with long term illness Im trying to help others and if Im fat and ugly well those are your thoughts lol

The course has finished now so Im hoping to concentrate on some card making again. I havent made anything for ages apart from one card which was for my Mum as she had a minor op (shown above)

Ive neglected so many things to concentrate on the EPP but Im so pleased with myself and feel confident about the future for the first time in ages. All I need now is a cure for ME and a job with EPP and I'll be happy

hopefully other posts to follow within a day or so rather than the odd month lol

New cards

2011-04-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

So having got the whinging moaning post out of the way I thought Id show some new card photos.
I cant show many as some are for birthdays that havent happened and some are secret sister cards which if I show kind of ruin the whole secret sister plan.

Anyway here are some photos

Hmmm long time no see

2011-04-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

and its not really because Ive been ill for a change. Dont get me wrong Ive not been well but other things have over shadowed my life.

Last year I had a DLA tribunal which I lost. Until this year I really wasnt well enough to do anything more than shut myself in my home and cry. This year however I found my anger. I wrote a letter to the heads of the government parties and the leader of my local council. I didnt expect a 'hey we got it wrong heres your money' reply but really wanted them to know how I felt and how Id been treated.
I had a couple of replies but nothing helpful until my local advise centre got in touch. The first phone call was a bad time. Id been away with family, couldnt think and ended up in tears and passing the phone to my dad. The second I wasnt too bad. Still cried but managed to explain that I didnt want help to appeal the tribunal as I had understood to appeal it had to be on a 'point of law' and even if I disagreed with proceedure I was sure the 'law' was right as it was done by a judge. Mainly I wanted to know where I went from here. Do I re-apply or am I blacklisted as a 'cheater'?

I was told to re-apply as the judge and doctor I had worked together on a regular basis and had a nice routine.
First I was asked if I was better, worse or the same as the time of renewal. I was then told I had to answer from the renewal time only. As I said I was worse this meant they could ask things after the renewal and say if I could do that when I was worse I could do it when I was better. To me I spent the whole tribunal being totally confused as to why I was being asked things after the date and what relevance they had as Id already been told that after the date was irrelevant.

I spent the whole tribunal in tears and getting more and more upset and distressed. The guy from the advise centre said if Id had a different judge and doctor I would probably have got DLA. Thats no help to me!!! The fact that I now know that different judges and doctors make different decisions just makes me angry. I had no choice on who heard my tribunal and all I know is I was treated like a lying cheating thief. It destroyed the limited confidence I had and basically sent me into what I can only call a 'breakdown'

I didnt see my doctor at the time for many reasons. I felt so useless and worthless I didnt want to leave the flat, I was scared about what the doctor might say, I was ashamed at how I couldnt cope, I was keeping up normal actions for friends and family and most of all I didnt want to admit how bad I actually was.

So now this time has passed and Ive been told to re-apply and Im scared!!! In my heart I know Im telling the truth about how my life is but I cant help that feel that as Im not an idiot and dont put myself in danger Im not helping myself. I believe in self help and self management but that goes against the DLA rules and by follwing that even though my life is far from normal no one cares!!!

Confidence!!

2011-04-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

You know confidence is a very strange thing.
As I kid I was so sure I was right all the time which gave me the confidence to say what I thought even if it was wrong and upset people. I got told I was brutally honest and couldnt lie to make people feel better no matter how I tried.

I was brought up by parents who believed that listening to what children say is the right thing to do and then if you have to correct them you do it in a nice way without making them feel bad.
That meant that sure I said and did the wrong thing as a kid but unless it was really bad I was just told why it wasnt acceptable.

I was burnt as a kid and that destroyed a lot of my confidence. I went through secondary school feeling inferior but then realised that I was ME and who ever thought I wasnt good enough had faults and flaws of their own. Mine were physical but who knows where theirs were. I remember going swimming and basically staring out people that stared at my scars as if to say yeah so what????

I know thats not a 'normal' reaction and I went the complete opposite after a while. I was so self conscious I couldnt bear people looking at me in case they were judging me on how I looked..... scars, weight, whatever.

I re-built some of that confidence until I got glandular fever and never recovered. It made me realise people would always judge me on how I looked and acted. If I was fat I was just lazy, if I was confident and self assured I had a mental issue that meant I didnt want to deal with life. That made me retreat into myself so no one could judge me.

I became very depressed and self obsessed in a why on earth would anyone bother even talking to me because Im useless kind of way

Last year I did something called the expert patient program. My first meeting I went to feeling oh boy what now?? as I had done so many other things that were supposed to 'cure' me and hadnt. I went along feeling like a failure before I even got there.

It was an odd course really in that I thought it was going to teach me how to be a perfect patient.... the kind of person the doctor hates as you turn up with loads of literature they havent seen and immediately dismiss. I very soon realised that being an expert patient was different. It was about being in control of my illness rather than suffering from or letting my condition control me. Sure theres no cures but how I feel about things is the main thing.

Half way through the course I said I would be interested in volunteering to help with the course. At that point I kind of thought I was offering to help out while others delivered the course but somehow I found I had volunteered as a tutor!!

After the initial panic there was a period of amazement that someone had seen something within me that they thought I was capable of even if I wasnt sure. I did some training and very quickly realised I couldnt sit in the background letting others speak and saying nothing so the training was the right thing.

Ive only done 2 days of training and have to say they were totally exhausting BUT and there is a big BUT!!! Ive realised I can stand in front of a group of people and tell them what I believe. Theres no waffle like there was when I sold car insurance. No pressure I KNOW this can help and Im not forcing anyone to do it. I dont even care about people looking at my HUGE frame at the front.

Dont get me wrong its very scary and I dont think my heart has ever beaten so fast in my life but up to now Ive only had good comments and when you get good stuff from your peers and not just people who dont know any better thats a great feeling!

Pats Album

2011-03-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

The pages arent in order but this is the album I did for my friend Pat. She was 70 in March and is one of the most amazing people I know. Over the last couple of years Ive blogged about how she lost her 2 best friends and then last year lost her husband. She, as you would expect, went into a depression and at one point I was scared that she would go out unless I took her.
Instead in the last couple of weeks shes decided she needs to face the world and get on with life so shes been out and chatted to people she couldnt face and Im so proud of her

The Promise

2011-02-21T11:56:00.001-08:00

I put this post on a forum but would be interested to see what other people think

Anyone watching this?

Im so confused I cant decide who is good and who is bad. Im finding it hard as I grew up reading Maisie Moscow ' Next year Jerusalem' and also Leon Uris 'Exodus' and now Im so not sure who was in the right. I believed that the Jewish people deserved Israel but never actually thought about the Palestinian people that already lived there.

Certainly the British got in the middle of something that was nothing to do with them as per usual but I also can see why they did. I know I tend to try to be the peace keeper but watching program like this makes me realise that its a no win situation. People interpret things in different ways.

Im loving this program but just dont know where I want it to go which is so rare in TV now.

What do you all think???

Its been an interesting day

2011-02-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

Or maybe its just been normal and I havent had a normal day of ups and downs for a long time.

Not long after I had got up the phone went. I answered the phone and was amazed when the reply was ' oh I didnt want you' Luckily I recognised that as my Mum so wasnt quite as offended as I could have been, instead I started laughing and told her I was really hurt and rejection before breakfast did nothing for my self esteem!!!!
Obviously only joking as if Im honest I was amused at how confused Mum sounded. It turned out she'd dialled my area code then automatically continued with my number even though she wanted someone else. When she explained want she actually wanted was someone to give a talk or arrnage an activity for the embroiderers guild tomorrow I definately said nope wrong number!!!!

I then went to weight watchers. Ive been a helper there for years even though I havent lost weight. Each week I go I find myself having more and more 'jobs' to do. My leader says its because Im competent but thats not helpful when I come home and collapse for the rest of the day and most of the next day because I feel so ill and sore.
Anyway I got there today to find that setting up was me and her. She had a moan about another helper who had said she had to work and said she should step down so someone else could help. She then told me the other helper was on holiday. I was rather annoyed to find that my leader knew 2 people were off but hadnt got any extra help in so told her how ill I'd been. Normally I try not to say much about my condition but I was upset and angry and completely shocked her. She had no idea how I was affected and spent the rest of the time changing between asking me to do things and telling me to rest!! When she said go home I did happily and have spent most of the afternoon lying on the settee hoping the pain will ease.

People dont understand that physical activity can affect me so much. I live in a flat so asking me to carry boxes up and down stairs in 5 journeys isnt going to help. After about 3 trips I go dizzy and Im in a lot of pain. Then asking me to open doors for people, find peoples details, file details, write notes and then add up stock levels is taxing my brain to over drive. Some weeks I cant even write in a legible manner.

On the good side I lost 2lb.... 1lb that I put on last week and 1lb for this week. I dont mind losing weight very slowly because I cant really exercise and quite honestly find sticking to any diet hard. If I have a really bad day I get the shakes and need sugar which isnt good. As far as Im concerned ANY loss is good

I went to bed but

2011-02-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

as soon as I lay down my mind went into overdrive. Ive been watching Being Human on catch up and find it funny in a sad way.
I went to bed but when I lay down my mind started on the Michael Jackson song Man in the mirror.
It made me think that what we think of ourselves isnt what other people think.
I have friends I admire and love and I would love to be like them and then I discover they arent as happy in themselves as I thought. I have friends who love and admire me, I cant undertand why half the time but knowing they're there means Im happy because I know Im not a complete failiure.

The phrase 'take a look at yourself and make the change' rings so true. Sometimes I spend half my life saying I wish I was this and that but dont put the effort in to being this or that.
In a way I dont know how to be the person I wish I was, I dont have the confidence to be the person I wish I was and thats hard.
Tiny steps for changing the future and not worrying about what people think of me is a good step forward. As they say ' The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step - Lao - Tzu
Tmorrow I may begin that step!!!

Then again I may take a detour and find myself where I am now!

Deep sleeps the winter

2011-02-13T11:54:00.001-08:00

Cold wet and grey
Surely all the world is dead
Spring is far away
But wait the world shall waken
it isn not dead for lo
The fair maids of february standing in the snow!!!!

My favourite poem. I love snowdrops and when my niece was born in february both Mum and I hoped she would be our snowdrop fairy. As it is she like daffodils lol
Cant complain too much as any sign of spring makes me so happy.
Mum and Dad took me to Dunham Massey a national trust place near us to see the winter garden. Walking round was exhausting and more than Ive done for ages but seeing glimpses of colour and new life makes life worthwhile
I realised I love seeing plants grow even if Im not a gardener and dont enjoy gardening. In my own little plot of garden I found from my herbs that chives, parsley, purple sage and thyme (i think) have survived the winter but somehow I killed the un-killable mint!!!

A minor moan or maybe just what I wish I could say lol

2011-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

I went to see my friend Pat today and as I was leaving she mentioned that Ann and Chris would be delivering her shopping at some point. My first thought was omg Id better get out of here but later as I thought about I realised Im not scared of Ann. Ive upset her by suggesting she reported me for benefit fraud. I cant be certain because obviously benefit inspectors cant tell you that kind of thing but adding things up its was either her or Pete reported me 3 months after he died!
I confronted her and was told she didnt believe I was ill in any way and that she thought I was playing the system.
In my mind today I was going through a confrontation of what she might say and what I might say. Mine was along the lines of does she realise this time last year I had what can only be described as a complete breakdown? I was scared to go out, scared to answer the phone because every phone needed my help and I had nothing left to give. I realised that in a way I really blame her because Margaret and Grace as well as Pete and Pat were her friends first but somehow I ended up looking after everyone because she doesnt do illness or sad stuff. To then be reported as fit for work because I coped is to my mind unbeleivable. Then I thought Pat doesnt know how bad I was and I dont want her too. I would hate her to feel any guilt over Margaret because she was trying to cope with Pete.
All in all I realised that if I met Ann and had a confrontation all I could really say to her was that I had a clear conscience and had no regrets about what I did that year. I know I havent lied in any way on any forms or interviews and thats as far as I can say..... well actually my mind said 'at least I can sleep at night' but then last year it took a fair amount of alcohol to make that true.

All in the past now...... cant change the past only how I see it
Its a closure in itself. I realised that someone I thought was a friend was someone I dont actually miss that much so maybe there were always disbelieving vibes?

Few more cards

2011-02-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my recent cards. The cat ones are from a cd rom that a good friend sent me. The purple/pink ones are attempts for my nieces birthday. I did the cat one and wasnt happy so did the little girl instead. Then decided I prefer the cat one anyway lol
The shaped card was just a play with my new toys as I got some promarkers and some frames at a craft show last week.
The second one down was for a challenge called 'arrows' now as it was my fault it was called arrows I cant really complain BUT I was totally clueless lol

The story behind that was I went on to the card making forum one day and put a post about how Id been awake half the night trying to come up with arrow designs for this months competition. Only when I looked at the forum there was no post about the competition never mind about an arrow theme. Id dreamt the whole thing!! A couple of days later I got a prize for coming joint second in the last competition and when I opened it it had arrow chip board shapes in.....talk about freaky. Problem is I still cant think of a good design. I tried to cover the chipboard and made a mess of it so my card didnt include it.

Lovely Day

2011-02-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

Although as usual not quite as planned.

This morning I woke late but went to meet Mum and Dad at the pool. Part way there I wondered if I should be driving or if people were just being silly. Then the car in front indicated way too late for the turning and ended up parked across the side road so maybe it wasnt me.
I had a lovely soak in the jacuzzi and then came home planning on making cards. I so need to make a card for my nieces birthday.
Anyway I had a message on my answer phone from the friend I was due to visit tomorrow asking if I wanted to go this afternoon. I had a lovely time chatting to her and watching her beautiful grandaughter playing. Its kind of difficult as I love kids especially when they are old enough to interact with you but Im also aware that although I may have seen them a few times since birth they're not going to remember. As much as I would love a cuddle it would freak them out so I have to behave. As it was I got some giggles and laughs which makes my day.

Having a brew and a chat also was great. We chatted about the expert patient program as my friend is already a volunteer and Im due to train next month so she calmed my worries and fears.

So tomorrows plans involve card making I guess

Brainfog

2011-02-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

Im on a forum called www.brainfog.org which is for people with ME but looking at the lighter sillier side instead of the doom and gloom that some forums focus on.

A post was put the other day about 'highly sensitive people' now if you asked me I would have said I wasnt highly sensitive but I now realise I would actually have meant I wasnt 'paranoid' or 'touchy'

Being highly sensitive is something that so many people seem to be.

Although I have a high pain threshold in some ways because past history meant I couldnt react to pain other things are so amazingly true with so many ME people

I cant cope with things around my throat and even cleaning my teeth makes me gag

I cant cope with wool or 'itchy' things against my skin

I cant stand up and close my eyes without falling over

I cant walk in a straight line sober or drunk

I cant cope with loud noises

I cant sleep if theres any noise at all

I sniff food to see if its fresh because if it smells 'funny' I cant eat it

I find it so amazing that my friends with ME have similar problems

Dream world

2011-02-01T14:12:00.000-08:00

I always had odd realistic dreams but since getting ME/CFS I cant always tell whats real and whats a dream.
As a kid I had this dream on various occasions where I was walking through a wood land and the path got more and more narrow. There where huge drops off either side and in my dream I never reached the other side. As a teenager I went to scotland and followed a path that was so familiar it scared me. I reached the other side and never had the dream again.

In a way that scares me as one of my recurrent dreams involves an obstacle course I know I cant phsyically fit through and Im dreading it coming true.

If you think Ive made it up I used to dream of people visiting who did, Id answer the phone with my Grans phone number when she called and my Grandad always said I was Fae.... Then again being called Tabitha I wanted to be a witch and have special powers so what was real???

my first dream was that I was on a different planet with a toxic atmosphere and in a land vehicle dropping people off home. For some reason the shields were failing and as there was a solar flare due we didnt know if we would get into safety. The driver refused to shelter at a safe place so we carried on. A huge rock came through the window and loads of shields came down over the windows and the 'pod' went into shut down. So we were somewhere on a planet waiting for something that we didnt know when it would happen or if we would survive it! I woke trying to explain to the driver just why I thought he was an idiot

My second one I was running a race (never been a runner) it was a kind of treasure hunt as well so the route wasnt known. I was in the lead and finally got into the right pub at the finishing line. Oddly enough the pub was called the Gallows which was the name of a pub I used to go in when younger, but the lay out was completely different. After trying to explain that yes I had won, even though I was disabled and no I hadnt cheated I realised there was no where at all to sit down and my energy was rapidly disappearing. I collapsed on the floor and couldnt move. Thats when I woke feeling as though Id well run a marathon

No wonder I wake feeling so exhausted when my brain and body goes through so much at night

blog hopping blog candy

2011-01-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

So while blog hopping today I was looking for pro marker hints and tips and found this blog
http://wiccababe.blogspot.com/

Its wonderful and full of loads of ways of using promarkers so I will definately be back

Cuddly cat?

2011-01-28T12:12:00.001-08:00

My cat Amber is in my mind the soppiest daftest silliest cat Ive ever known. I have been know to great her with 'Hello Gormless' when I really meant gorgeous and she still purrs. She has daily medication that she pulls the pill pusher off the table so I can give her a tablet. She jumps on my knee when I get the nail clippers out and basically I can do more or less anything with her.

When taking photos of my old cat Mogs who's now died I was ignoring Amber and when I turned around she was just there so I snapped her. I was shocked when I saw the grumpy, narky cat on the photo. I mean thats not MY Amber.....

However I showed the picture to my friend Helen who runs the cattery where Amber (and Mogs) have stayed on many occasions and was amazed when she picked up the grumpy picture and said ok this is Amber but who's the other cat!!

It so makes me laugh to look at that grump little face and know that the cat I see daily is the purry furry cuddle kitten version

No self confidence

2011-01-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

I realise that since getting ill I have so little self confidence its untrue. Before I got ill I didnt always fit in with the 'normal' or 'trendy' crowd but somehow I knew that who I was, was fine. Possibly over arrogant and thought I was better than some but I was raised to know my worth and believe in it. Something I believe kids today have lost.

Since getting ill with ME/CFS Ive lost that completely. I dont understand why anyone would want to know me. to be near me to care about me. Slowly as time goes by and through a wonderful website forum on www.brainfog.org Ive realised people care for me! They actually want to know whats going on in my life and want me to visit them when I can.

I find it so odd that I have such a low opinion of myself and yet so flattering that others want to meet me. Maybe in time I will be the person (in person) that people think I am and not the person I think I am.

Dont get me wrong I have occupational therapists saying I cant work because Im socially inadequate and voluntary bosses having me as the first contact because they can rely on me to do the best I can. No wonder Im confused with life in general.

Lifes as good as you can make I think. Sure I can concentrate on the cr*p and that I have no money, feel totally useless and worthless but I can decide to concentrate on the good. I have family and friends that love me. Theres the fantastic countryside and nature that are free. There are things I can offer the world which may not bring in money but if they make me and others happy who cares about money?

Time and love and care I can offer.... work will come when Im well enough

Todays update

2011-01-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

I recently volunteered to be a tutor for the expert patient program. Its based on managing long term illnesses. For years Ive avoided it thinking it was designed to make you an expert in your condition and therefore (as doctors are concerned) a total pain in the neck (or wherever you feel)
I very quickly learnt that the expert patient is about teaching people to manage their conditions and live the best life they can.

From a personal point of view I found that applying for DLA and attending a tribunal the worst thing ever, and the attitiude of managing your condition means theres no problem which isnt true. I have written various letters and will update you in time.

Today I attended the first training session Ive had in goodness knows how many years. It was about safeguarding children. Although I dont expect to be working with children it really opened my eyes. It made me realise that my childhood experiences now would be classed as abuse. They WERENT!!! and I know that but it totally freaked me out. Things that as a kid happened and even though my parents loved and protected me, things happened to me that I couldnt control. I look at as an an adult and realise the lack of choice that my parents had and feel so sorry that they feel so responsible for circumstances they had no control over

What can I say

2011-01-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Yet again theres been such a huge gap you'd have thought I fell off the planet. However unlike Rincewind I didnt fall over the edge I just erm well lost interest.... If youre confused dont worry so am I but Im enjoying Terry Pratchet which is always good for the obscure.

So where have I been?? Well if Im honest I have no idea. Last year was really hard for me and I fell into such a huge depression I wondered if I would ever come out of it. As things stand I think I have come back to normal earth. Things arent great but I have my sense of humour back and Im enjoying playing with cards. Both things make me feel good.

So new year new start. I mean over the last couple of years Ive lost 3 very good friends through death and 1 through finding out they reported me for benefit fraud. Obviously they dont know me as well as they thought because if I could work, earn my OWN money and not be a 'burden' on society believe me I would and Im always working towards that goal.

Anyway this year I plan to have fun, enjoy the ridiculous and find the 'me' I like instead of the whinging moaning person Ive been

OK Im still ill. I still have ME/CFS but you know in a way it makes me laugh and makes me realise just how lucky I am in life.

For example my parents are fantastic. They take me out, they make me laugh even if they didnt mean to and they make me realise I am a worthwhile person when Im feeling down

On the ME side the other day whilst at the 'rents the mantle clock dinged 5pm. Dad said Im sure that clock is fast what time is it. I looked at my watch and said 11.15...... after a few seconds silence I said errmmmm my watch is on upside down lol

So time to enjoy life and whatever lemons life throws at me as they say I will make lemonade.... actually I hate real lemonade but you get the idea!!!

recent cards

2011-01-22T13:25:00.001-08:00

Recent cards

2010-10-20T02:46:00.000-07:00

The card forum competition last month was 'easel cards' so here are my entries

Lifes all about fun

2010-09-28T02:21:00.000-07:00

You know as Im disabled Im supposed to not be doing anything with my time instead life finds me things to do.
Yesterday I realised I hadnt had a renewal notice for my car insurance which is due on friday. Turns out the company no longer want to insure me because of my postcode. I spent most of the day getting quotes that range from £2500 down to £500! Talk about silly prices for a single 40+ female driver with full no claims.
Whilst I was sorting that out my cat Amber started with cystitis so we had to visit the vet. She gets it a lot mainly when Im stressed but I didnt think I was too bad until after she started.
In the afternoon I got an email from my parents which I knew they hadnt sent so todays job is to try to get back their hacked account. They are coming to me to sort it out after last nights confusing phone call of 'well what page are you looking at's.
So much for having time to make cards and have fun lol

Wow that day went quick!

2010-09-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I cant beleive it! Its nearly bed time and I havent actually DONE anything today. Well I have done 2 loads of washing and I have watched the grand prix and I have been to visit Pat as she hasnt seen anyone since friday and I have taken my recycling down to the bins and I have (the main part of the day) fought with my computer. Talk about trying to annoy me! Yesterday it crashed and had to go through repair. After that it refused to load Google Chrome so I had to use IE. Sadly one forum I visit wouldnt let me read the posts only the titles with IE and all the posts suggested Chrome which wasnt working for me. So I uninstalled Chrome and re- installed it hoping it would 'fix' itself. Of course it didnt so I un-installed it again and installed Firefox. So now I can read the forum and I can do everything I wanted to do after re entering all my passwords *sigh* BUT Im having loads of trouble remembering which browser im using. 3 browsers in 2 days is way too much for my poor little brain and I cant find my favourites which have now become my bookmarks and have changed sides. They've also kindly re-arranged themselves into alphabetical order which is good unless you know that B is at the bottom of the list and now its not!
I think its time to turn the puter off and watch some daft TV with a glass of wine.
Night all

I made a card!!! lol

2010-09-25T06:32:00.000-07:00

Well actually I made 4 but 3 are for the comp so I can only show this one

Little treats

2010-09-25T03:07:00.000-07:00

Instead of resting yesterday as I was supposed to I decided to take my friend Pat to a craft shop in Ramsbottom. Its called Clark Craft and has a wide range of stock. Pat wanted wool and I wanted to browse and maybe buy a little crafty something to inspire me. Anyway I came out with 3 stamps for £3.50 and a few water colour pencils which is my idea of shopping.
Today Im going to have a play *grins*
I will show what I make but I do need some for the card forum competition so they will have to stay hidden for a while.
So time to crank the music and have fun!!!

So sleepy

2010-09-24T02:39:00.001-07:00

Im feeling really tired today. I just didnt sleep well last night and I cant get going at all.

Yesterday was really busy though. I attended an Expert Patient Program for people with long term illnesses. It was quite fascinating how a group of 19 people with different conditions all have similar problems on a day to day basis. It was exhausting though as it was 2 1/2 hrs long and with that many people there was too much noise for me. I kept losing concentration and by the time I got home I could hardly string a sentence together. Thankfully living alone it was only a phone call with my parents that I needed to speak on and they understand the 'errr' 'whaa' 'thingys' in my speech patterns where I lose the words. Apart from that I just talked to Amber cat who doesnt really care what Im saying so long as Im looking at her and cuddling her hehehe.

I think today may be a catch up on rest day. I may even tidy my craft stuff so I could actually make a card if I wanted!

Being useful

2010-09-23T02:03:00.000-07:00

I help out at Weight Watchers on a wednesday and basically its a case of being down stairs so I can direct people to the class. As the class is up stairs I do occasionally get to look after prams and babies rather than bouncing them up the stairs.

Yesterday it was chaotic. There's a nursery downstairs and its the new term so there were kids crying for about an hour, others screaming and laughing, noise noise and more noise. I hadnt realised how noise sensitive I had got until I had a rotten headache by the time of coming home.

It was fun though as a new member had her grandchild with her and I offered to watch baby while she went upstairs. She told me the little girl would cry so I promised that if she got upset I would get one of the nursery staff to keep an eye on her while I went and got grandma. Anyway after playing with 'dolly' for a little while the child became so interested in all the nursery kids I turned the pram round so she could watch. Grandma came back to a happy child who started howling as she was being pushed away. Its so much fun being useful sometimes lol.

Two sides to a story

2010-09-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

I realised around 3am this morning whilst doing the lying awake and wanting to be asleep thing that I hadnt posted on here so I mentally started reviewing the day. It went like this....

Had to get up early to go to the docs so felt really tired. Just walking out the door had an ibs attack so had to rush to docs worried I was late for the appointment. Saw docs and of course cried as I usually do when I see the doc. On the way out the nurse caught me and made me go into her room for some tissues even though another patient was on her way in which was really embarrassing.

I went to the cattery in the afternoon and had to help carry cats which isnt part of the deal but when when someone on crutches is collecting 6 cats its all hands needed. So I had back ache and my arms really hurt after.

Came home to find my tea hadnt defrosted so had to have tomorrows tea which as it was ww pizza for after wi means I wont have lost weight when I go today. Spoke to Pat who was a bit off hand because I said I was too tired to go down for coffee. Went to bed and then couldnt sleep.

On the other hand my day was also like this.....

The doc wasnt ignoring the request for information for the CAB he hadnt got the letter and will support me and write a report for me.

I got my supermarket shop done even though I was tired.

At the cattery I got loads of furry purry attention, chatted to people I wouldnt normally see and was kind of 'normal' not a 'sickie'

I stood up for myself in not going to see Pat and I will see her this afternoon for a good chat whilst Im feeling awake.

So what if I put weight on it was a ww pizza not a huge high fat one.

So my interpretation of the day at 3am compared with this mornings is completely different.

I so need to concentrate on the good!!!!

Wow doesnt time fly??

2010-09-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

So I didnt keep up with this after all *sigh* Then again I havent been making many cards recently. I just havent had the energy or inspiration BUT I need to give myself a big kick and get back into things.

So the plan is.......

I REALLY need to lose weight but cant be bothered to follow a strict diet as all it does it make me want to 'cheat'

I REALLY need to look after myself and start on the relaxation/exercise/self help stuff I talk about and dont do

I REALLY need to have fun. Thats getting back into card making for the fun of it not because theres a challenge or birthdays but just because.

So my blog is changing........

Its not just going to be about cards its going to be about my life!! Good bad or indifferent I mean to waffle on about things. If thats not what you want to read please feel free to ignore me hehehe

As a quick catch up on my life

Im struggling a bit ME wise at the moment. I have an appeal for DLA coming up in october and found out over the weekend my doctor hasnt responded to the letters and without his report theres no point in appealing. So I need to see the doc about that. Ive also been fairly done recently so the doc put me on anti depressants. Fine until a different doc upped the dose last week and now I really dont know 'how' I feel. I cant be bothered about anything and nothing worries me which in a way is liberating but in another way is scary so I think I might need to go back down a dose.

My friend Pete died in July so Im trying to be there for his wife Pat. Its hard because I dont know what to say or do and I dont want her to become dependant on me but I also dont want her to feel alone and that no one cares. Pat has recently got a cat though and Dakota is helping Pat feel less alone.

My cat Amber is doing well. Shes always been my baby cat but working it out shes been here since 1999 and was about 1 when she walked in so shes not a baby shes an oap!! She still loves to play and be cuddled though. Since Mogs died Amber has changed so much its been wonderful to watch. Some things are sad like Amber hasnt a clue about what food she can eat without Mogs to show her but others are happy like Amber being much more sociable with me.

Anyway I think Ive waffled enough for today so I shall get ready to go out now. Im going to the pool and sitting in the jacuzzi for a while and then will let Dad buy me lunch lol

Catch up cards

2010-02-06T02:16:00.000-08:00

I realised I havent shown any cards recently so here are a couple from last month.

The anniversary card was for my parents and I was quite surprised when after opening it my Mum asked me not to make her any more cards!!! It turned out though that she actually meant she liked it so much that she wants to bring it out every year lol

New year, new start and all that

2010-01-01T10:18:00.001-08:00

Well its been a long long time since I was on here. In fact half a year!!
And why was I not here?
Well its like this

My friend Pete was diagnosed with cancer so Ive been trying to support him and his wife Pat. Hes struggling along but hes not at all well and keeps having to have chemo delayed because he wasnt well enough. He should have finished chemo before christmas but still has 2 to go when hes well enough

My friend Margaret was ill and died in October with no will meaning I had to re-home her two cats who are now with loving new people, and also help clear her flat. As she also had no relatives everything goes to the Duchy of Lancaster but we found out that they dont respond to emails and if you phone you get told the person you need is doing jury duty and it seems was doing it from october until december when we sent an (un-acknowledged) email saying reply and tell us what to do or we empty the flat and give the keys to the council and let them deal with it all.

My friend Grace died meaning that Pat lost 2 friends of 30+ years in the space of 4 days whilst coping with her husband being ill.

In between times my 2 cats have been ill in turns. Mogs was ill in the summer and I was told to take her home and consider her quality of life, I did and she bounced back. Amber has had stress cystitis twice in november and december which is a direct reaction to my being stressed. Mogs got ill again as I came home from christmas away and was put to sleep yesterday.

All in all with such a year Ive now been diagnosed with depression as well as binge eating meaning Ive put so much weight on nothing fits and I feel dreadful. Not that its stopping me eating and drinking at the moment. Im also having a big ME flare so Im in pain and cant think, have no energy and thanks to the depression dont really care.

So new year new start. I need to look after me this year. Im scared that if I dont Im going to be very ill. Im going to have to start eating well, get out and about more if this snow and ice ever stop, have time to play and make cards, have time to concentrate on meditation and inspirational reading. Have time for fun.

Of course a main thing is going to be learning to say no and Ive made a start on that. Pat wanted me to go down tonight for a brew and chat but Ive said no Im watching Doctor Who and going to bed early. Speaking of which Id better go and get that kettle on.....

Blog Candy again

2009-06-28T03:42:00.000-07:00

This time the candy is offered by Jude at Crafts International to celebrate her daughters birthdays. Wonderful goodies on offer and a great blog to read for inspiration

http://crafts-international.blogspot.com/2009/06/birthday-blog-candy.html

Blog Candy

2009-06-28T03:34:00.000-07:00

http://www.craftie-charlie.co.uk/blog/

This is a new blog to me but now Ive found it I will definately be back. There is also a shop full of lovely things most of which I want
The blog candy is a choice of goodies from one of 2 ranges from My mind' s eye at Craftie Charlie. All I will say is making a choice is not going to be easy as they are both really lovely.

Card Sketch

2009-06-07T06:38:00.001-07:00

This one is using a card sketch from
http://cardsketchaday.blogspot.com/

I like card sketches as they give me ideas but allow me to use things I already have rather than sending me shopping

Challenge Card

2009-06-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to kick start my cards by looking for challenges and found this
http://charismacardz.blogspot.com/ The colour combo challenge #22 is Pink and Brown
so this is my effort

Blog Candy

2009-06-07T03:44:00.000-07:00

Well hows this for a good start to my renewed blogging plan. I tootled off to my friend Claire's (http://clairecraft.blogspot.com/) blog to see what was happening and found this .....
http://keepsakesbymelissa.blogspot.com/2009/06/blog-candy-anyone-big-giveaway.html

Talk about the most generous blog candy ever!!! I have to admit I didnt know this blog but having had a look at the cards and ideas on there Im now a follower and will be popping in all the time to see and get inspiration.

Doesnt time fly

2009-06-07T03:19:00.000-07:00

Wow no posts since March!!

So a quick update on me. Ive now kind of completed the course. Its more a rest of life thing than 90 days but that's fine. Ive learnt a lot and Ive enjoyed learning. Its quite amazing how your thoughts can affect your emotions and actions. Im not in anyway saying ME is 'in the mind' its not BUT I felt as though I had reached a point where my fears and ideas where possibly holding me back and Im glad to say this course has taught me that in a lot of ways they were.
Since starting the course I have had symptoms of course I have they werent just going to disappear were they? But in most cases Ive been able to work out why Ive got the symptoms and realised that they were not necessarily ME reactions but reactions to what Id been doing. For example not long ago I was exhausted, I couldnt think straight, my legs felt like lead, I hurt all over and was in my previous experience heading for a major ME relapse. Instead I used some of the tools from the course and told myself all my symptoms werent actually the ME they were because I had been really busy. Id walked more than I have for years, Id been up early and to bed late with no rests in between, Id been staying at my brothers and had to climb stairs which normally I dont have to do so everything had a reason. By allowing myself to see the reasons behind the symptoms I didnt panic about a relapse. I allowed myself to rest and the relapse didnt happen. That to me is a huge sign of the course working.

So things are all positive but now I need to get other things in my life back. I desperately need to lose some weight. Its affecting my health now and I dont want to recover from ME only to make myself ill in another way because of my weight.
I want to get back into cardmaking and crafting. I have a scrapbook kit I got for my birthday and havent opened apart from to look at things and feel my mind go blank. I went to the embroiderers guild cream tea yesterday and came out thinking I really should dig out some of those UFO's (unfinished objects) I have and try to get them finished.
I want to get my blog going again but I need to actually make things first to blog about so I will start with reading blogs and looking for inspiration !!

A New Me

2009-03-24T04:37:00.000-07:00

Or that's the plan.
As I might have mentioned occasionally I have ME and I'm sick of having ME so when I heard about a cure I thought why not. Well there were a lot of reasons why not ranging from not believing they could cure what the nhs call an incurable illness, to the costs involved. Anyway I went to a talk about the treatment and it made a lot of sense so I'm now doing the 90 day program from the Optimum Health clinic (http://www.theoptimumhealthclinic.com/)

I did a weekend course that explained everything and now I'm on a self learning part. I'm finding it hard work but I'm enjoying the results.

Its very hard to explain whats going on but basically its based on the fact that after long term illness the brain and body get into a kind of routine. If you have pain then the brain starts thinking oh no I had this before and it went on and on and it took ages to go away and then I had a relapse etc etc after all that the body says OMG I feel cr*p and you have a relapse. Obviously that's very simplified but the idea is to break the chain. Its using treatments from various therapies like the lightening process and eft to break the habits and allow the brain to relax and the body to heal.
It also involves a lot of recognising thoughts and emotions which I find quite hard. You know I feel ok I don't feel sad or angry or ecstatic I just feel normal.....is that ok to feel normal, calm happyish or does that mean I'm not in touch with my feelings?? Its hard!
I have to say I never the eft (http://www.emofree.com/) would work but again for some strange reason it does. Ok I feel like an idiot sitting there tapping various places but it does help.

One of the other things I was told is to basically stop dieting, stop counting points or calories. Just for the 90 days involved in the intense course to allow myself to concentrate on learning the techniques I need to cure myself. That made me panic (using the 'stops' from the lightening process helped) but thinking about it I guess they're right. I'm more intrigued about how using these tools will allow my body to reach and maintain its natural weight but hey Ive nothing to lose right?
Again it does make sense. When you feel hunger are you actually hungry as in tummy rumbling hungry or are you emotionally hungry or is it the shaking sweating over done it need sugar hunger. They are all different but recognising the difference and working out what I need at that particular time is going to be interesting.

The course suggests that you do a lot of yoga, relaxation, meditation kind of work to allow yourself to know how you feel which is something Ive tried and found it helped but for some reason never continued with. It also says that everyday you should do something that brings you joy and makes you happy. Isn't that a nice thought?

Anyway enough rambling for now. Hopefully as time goes by I will be able to read back posts from now and from before now and see how things have changed.

Mothers Day Card

2009-03-01T04:21:00.000-08:00

My Mum doesn't like Mothers day, she always says its commercialised and that I shouldn't get her anything. Of course I don't listen but I thought that making a card using freebies might make her smile.

Marie Curie Cards

2009-03-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

I bought the stamps from Do crafts for the Marie Curie Charity and when I saw them I was full of ideas of how I would use them. Of course when I tried all the ideas they just didn't look right. Anyway I went back another day and tried again and made these. I'm hoping to make some more if I have time but after my mojo has been on holiday (I'm not sure if its returned or just popping in) I have other cards to make too.

Todays Plays

2009-02-21T06:29:00.000-08:00

I was asked by my Mum to make a 80th birthday card and a get well card, one in pink and one in blue. Thing is I cant remember which was which and as Ive already phoned this morning to check I'm hoping she will be ok with them both being pink lol

The bird cards are made using the free calender from Card Making and Papercraft(last year), the wood pecker will be going to my Dad for his birthday. As Ive mentioned my parents moved house at the beginning of the month and just before they moved Dad mentioned he wanted to stay where he was because after 30+ years in the house they'd got a woodpecker in the garden and he didnt have 30+ years left for one to move into the new garden. Sadly its the wrong woodpecker but the thoughts there lol

A gap again

2009-02-11T08:16:00.000-08:00

I know I say I will keep up with the blogging and then disappear for weeks on end but there is always good reason honest lol.
This time my parents moved house, not only that but they managed to pick the most snowy/icy/cold days possible! It was chaos lol. i do not recommend moving from a big victorian semi to a bungalow without really starting packing until theres a week to go...
Anyway Im exhausted but slowly recovering so hopefully will actually make a card some time soon

Cards again

2009-01-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

Today's cards are really for my Mum and Dad. Last week Mum asked me for a sympathy card for Monday so did that first.

She also asked me to make a new home card so that when they move they can leave it for the next owners so I did that

I then thought that I really should make a new home card for my parents as well. Ive been putting it off until it was all organised and going through but I'm not sure when that will be. They have a moving date of 3rd February but up to yesterday the buyers hadn't signed the forms even though they are sending people round to measure and design a new kitchen!

Good Play day today

2009-01-20T07:52:00.003-08:00

Well this is very unusual but Ive actually made ANOTHER card!!

This was made using the free stamps that came with Cardmaking and Papercraft issue 62.
Definitely a first for me though I bought the magazine this morning to look at over coffee and made a card this afternoon suing the free gift.

Todays Plays

2009-01-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

On the card forum there was a challenge to make 2 cards from 1 image. Heres my attempt

Last Cards from last year

2009-01-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

On the cardmaking forum we have a monthly competition which I try to enter as it gives me inspiration. Now december is obviously a quiet month because everyone is rather busy with christmas but I was thrilled to bits to find my card had been voted into a winning place for the first time in a year. I was even more amazed and leaping up and down when I realised I actually had all 3 entered cards placed and was 2nd, 3rd, and 4th!!!!!

Happy New Year

2009-01-15T02:33:00.001-08:00

Yeah I know its a bit late and all that but hey I'm finally back!!
So an update on me....

Christmas was really good and very exhausting. In fact its taken me until now to recover but hopefully finally I'm re-joining the world and feeling good :-)

Ive been back to weight watchers and put on 5lb over Christmas. This week lost .5lb which I'm a little grumpy about as I really followed the plan and was very good but at least its a loss not a gain.

I am planning to make cards today if I ever get away from the computer, feeling all enthusiastic and want to play so fingers crossed my brain wont give up on me.

Life could get interesting over the next few weeks as my parents might well be moving at the beginning of February. They've had their house on the market for over a year but haven't been able to do much packing and sorting because if it didn't sell they needed the stuff but if it did sell they have loads to get rid of as they downsize into a bungalow. When I say downsize I mean a bungalow large enough for 2 cars, camper van, 6 motorbike (vintage) Dads workshop including lathe, Dads clock workshop with loads of clocks and stuff. Mum gets to keep her beading and embroidery in the house though lol.
Anyway they've suddenly got a sold sign and are trying to pack,sort,throw out, tidy and all that so I'm going to be spending a lot of time helping. Due to the ME I cant do a lot of lifting and packing but I can bring things to my flat to store and make brews on moving day etc etc

I think that's about it for now but look out I might actually put some cards up soon!!

Blog candy

2008-11-30T06:19:00.000-08:00

Theres blog candy available at
http://crafts-international.blogspot.com/2008/11/wowblog-candy.html
to celebrate 3000 hits!!
Congratualtions Jude

Using Freebies

2008-11-30T03:42:00.001-08:00

These are using the free papers from Cardmaking and Papercraft. I was looking for something 'pink' for my niece who's 6 as shes a pink princess kind of person and these fitted really well.

More Christmas Cards

2008-11-29T03:02:00.001-08:00

Some more cards which were made for a forum competition. The theme was to see how many legs you could get lol

Chrismas Cards

2008-11-24T03:50:00.001-08:00

These are some christmas cards I did for challenges on a forum recently. I couldnt show them when I did them as its a competition and the voting hadnt happened and then I forgot to post them.

First card in ages

2008-11-20T07:24:00.000-08:00

Ive been blog hopping for inspiration and went to

http://cardsketchaday.blogspot.com/

This is my attempt at the sketch

Good News

2008-11-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

Well yesterday was weigh in day at WW and Im glad to say that after the last few weeks where I put on a total of 2lb I actually lost 1.5lb. I admit Im not sure how but Im glad I did.
Yesterday was a good day, did my supermarket shopping, lugged bags around, helped set up at WW, carried boxes, tables and chairs. Went up and down stairs i dont know how many times and obviously over did things again. Today Im supposed to be going to my parents for tea and then to the embroidery club I go to but Ive had to cancel.
Ah well good excuse to catch up with other peoples blogs lol

End of the week

2008-11-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Well as you probably gathered this has been a week and then some. Anyway hopefully Ive got things a little more organised in my mind and life.
After having a fairly major ME crash at the beginning of this week and basically sharing it with everyone (sorry about that folks) Im now resting a lot and taking care of me.
I had a word at the cattery explaining how I just couldnt cope with 2 afternoons of voluntary work so Im cutting back to just one. Im also trying to just eat healthy rather than strict dieting for a while.
The same with the card making. Im ducking out of some things and concentrating on others but in general trying to get my enthusiasm, energy, inspiration and most of all enjoyment back.
Thank you for reading this if you did.
I dont blame you if you didnt lol

Most of all I would say if you know someone with ME you now know how the world can overwhelm them for some possibly silly reason and see how they crack

Lifes so hard

2008-11-10T05:52:00.001-08:00

I met Mum and Dad for lunch and tried to tell them how I was feeling, dissolved into tears in the gym cafe and Im still dripping now. They said Im wrong about what Ive said. That I mustnt stop doing things I enjoy like card making and seeing friends. That the cattery is a voluntary job which costs me money to get there with no re payment. That although Im supposed to be doing 2 hrs I never do and that means Im being taken advantage of. That I shouldnt have done the cats this weekend as it was too much and has just pushed me over the edge and what did I get last night. A phone call not to say thank you but to ask me what the phone messages were. They think Im being treated badly and because of my lack of self esteem Ive taken it for too long. Basically they say that although I enjoy feeling useful and working I must accept Im ill and know when to say enough before I get to where I am now especially as it doesnt seem to be appreciated. If I was working for money because my benefits had been stopped or something then fine I should stop my fun activities to give me chance to cope but for voluntary work I shouldnt. Ive promised to have a word tomorrow at the cattery and see about cutting down to 1 afternoon a week rather than 2. This makes me feel as though Ive failed but I cant cope with feeling like I do today. In some ways I feel just like I did when I first got ill and couldnt cope and spent my life either crying at work or in bed and I dont want to go back there. Im just so confused at the moment. I want my life back and hate feeling as though I cant have it when I got so close

A Dangerous Thing

2008-11-09T05:54:00.000-08:00

Life's been hard work recently. It sometimes feels as though everything is going to over whelm me and that scares me.
In July I started voluntary work at a friends cattery. It had to be voluntary because after checking with the benefits helpline it basically worked out that until I can work more hours I'm a bit stuck. So I'm doing 2hr 2 afternoons a week.
It started great I had loads of energy, went swimming before the cattery, went to WW and was losing weight too. Then I came to the wall.
I got a bug that lingered and now it feels as though Ive been ill and struggling for nearly 2 months. I'm exhausted. I cant sleep, I'm head achy, near to tears (although not sad) and generally feel rough.
I'm really pleased that Ive kept up with the cattery and haven't phoned in sick. In fact there's only been 1 time I had to leave early because I felt so ill.

The thing is keeping that going means that I cant cope with other things. Obviously in my mind the cattery is the most important thing because I want to go back to work and building stamina over time until I can work enough hours to be viable is the only way I can see that happening.
In that respect cutting back on the 'fun' things makes sense.
The problem I have is that I haven't cut back. Ive tried and tried to keep everything going, pushing myself until now when I feel like I'm on the edge of a crash.
Diet wise has been a total disaster recently. OK Ive only put on 1.5lb in 2 weeks which isn't bad in the scheme of things. The problem is the more I concentrate on dieting the worse I get. I count points but find myself not using the points for sensible food but saving them for treats, I did core but again you have a points allowance which meant that faced with 3 points instead of having bread for lunch I saved them for chocolate at night. Of course that meant that I got hungry, shaky, sweaty and light headed mid afternoon and had to eat something sweet like sugar or chocolate and then had way more than 3 points.
So my plan there is to not think about what I eat. I will eat 3 meals a day, if I'm hungry I will have a low GI snack like oat cakes or fruit and if I really want it I will have a bit of chocolate but I wont let myself get to the 'shaky must eat chocolate stage'.

So then we move on to card making.
Its just not been happening recently. I have no inspiration and everything I do make looks awful to me. I want to make cards, I get an idea it just doesn't go together and work. Again thinking about things Ive been promising myself a card making day and then when something happens like I'm too tired and ill to do cards I get frustrated. So I guess the answer is to just do cards when something occurs to me rather than 'because I must'.

Then there's the swimming/gym stuff. Last year I worked my level up to where I could do about 15 minutes on a treadmill walking. Doesn't sound much but for me that's a huge achievement. Recently though I haven't even managed to get myself to the swimming pool. Again thinking about it I realised that I was planning a whole gym trip with so many lengths and stuff like that and then because I haven't had the energy felt frustrated. So again I need to relax and not try to do everything at once.

I wouldn't mind but Ive had ME for nearly 10 years now. I KNOW the answer is pacing myself but every now and then I go completely over the top and want to do everything now, all at once.

That's the real reason for this long and rambling post. By writing it down it kind of imprints it in my mind for a while so I can 'pace' myself better.
I wont do all the housework until I'm a sweaty shaking aching heap....no I will hoover and then rest and another day dust etc.
I wont try to get fit in one session I will accept it wont happen
I wont try to lose weight in one week it took me nearly 9 years to gain 6 stone so having lost 1 in a year that gives me time for the other 5
I wont try to use every piece of craft equipment I posses or make all my Christmas cards in one go I will not stress about it I will have fun and if I have to buy cards for people.....tough!

I guess maybe the main thing is that maybe just maybe I wont THINK so much because when I do I start writing essays of where I'm going wrong and how to put myself right. That's when its gets boring and people wont want to look at my blog just in case there's a huge huge post of rambling thoughts to read.

That's where things get dangerous of course. Too much thinking can lose you friends

Weight Whinges

2008-10-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

I'm really struggling with my weight loss at the moment. I mean I haven't actually put on weight but feel as though its a 'yet' rather than anything else and that this week could be the gaining time.
Its silly because I know the cause I just don't seem to able to get my brain in order so I thought Id write it down and see if that helps...
The last couple of weeks have been rough ME and health wise so I haven't done any exercise which is a big factor. In not exactly a big exerciser because of the ME but I had got myself to the point where I could go swimming and sit in the Jacuzzi or just potter about but when I'm ill I just don't feel well enough so spend too long being still. On top of that I had to have a fasting blood test for diabetes and cholesterol. Apparently a test in 2003 is now classed as abnormal so its needs checking. Although I'm telling myself the chances of me having diabetes are slight and that most of my symptoms point to low blood sugar not high for some reason all I have wanted this week is chocolate! I know its just in case I am diabetic and have to change my diet but that is such a poor excuse. I mean I'm doing Weight Watchers for goodness sake so Ive already changed my diet!
I just need some motivation to get this diet back on track so I can stop moaning lol

OK update......
I got the results of my blood test and I am NOT diabetic!! I also had a cholesterol test which showed my cholesterol has actually gone down in the last few years so all in all a very good result.

A few recent cards

2008-10-18T06:21:00.001-07:00

So much for keeping up

2008-10-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

As you can see Ive been neglecting my poor little blog. All I can say is I had a bug, then an ME flare, no brain to make cards and very little enthusiasm..... but now.....hopefully......
Im back :-)

Massive Achievment

2008-09-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

Now this probably wont sound like much to most but today I drove myself to Dunham Massey and back (about 50 miles) and walked around whilst there. Like I say nothing exciting you might think but and here is the biggie

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IVE BEEN THAT FAR ALONE FOR 9 YEARS!!!

I know that sounds really pathetic but since getting ME I havent had the concentration to drive or the energy to walk so whenever I go anywhere I have to be taken so I can get home again. Today I did it myself!!

Im so pleased I managed although I now hurt and feel really rough but the fact I did it is such a boost I think a little crash might be worth it.

Heres my photos of the day (hopefully)

http://s49.photobucket.com/albums/f258/tab24/?action=view&current=60a39528.pbw

Woooooooohooooooo

2008-09-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wow Im in awe!! My friend Fran has just won a bronze medal at the paralympics!!!!
Im so pleased for her and cant wait to see how how she does in her next race.
Im just loving the paralympics its so inspiring. These wonderful people who've battled against disability for these achievements is absolutely amazing.
Im not impressed with the judges though who keep taking medals from people after they've been given. Shelly Woods was so wrong but seeing Dave Weir today is heartbreaking. Ive been cheering him on (silently so as not to disturb the neighbours) after watching him try so hard and even though he beat his personal best just not quite be there. To see he got gold today and now someone is complaining about the lane they were in is beyond belief. I feel so sorry for him having to race again when he has other races to do anyway. That combined with the fact he had glandular fever before the games and hasnt recovered yet is just so unfair.
I think that has hit home because Im disabled after getting ME after never recovering from glandular fever and I dont think I could walk around the track never mind race!
Huge congratulations to all the paralympic athletes and their teams

Edited to add

Another huge well done to Fran who got a silver in her second race. Way to go hun!!!
The update on David Weir is that his gold was allowed and he went on to win another gold which is brilliant.

Midweek meanderings

2008-09-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

Today Ive been to my weight loss class and found I stayed the same. Im quite happy about that really as I know I strayed this week. It means though Ive now lost 16lb in 18mths.....so thats less than 1lb a month. BUT and heres the big thing I put on the weight over 8 years of being ill. So 8yrs of ready meals and no exercise meant a weight gain of 6 stone. Losing 1 of them over 1yr still means its going off quicker than it went on doesnt it? Plus of course as my health improves my ability to cook for myself has improved, I can get out and about more and I gave up smoking so all in all even being over weight Ive got to be 'healthier' lol.
The main problem of course of being able to afford to eat 'healthy' I try very hard with my cooking to make sure Im getting my five a day and all that 'bad' food does tend to be cheaper.
So while shopping today I treated myself to a lottery ticket for friday. I know its a waste of money but the chance to dream is wonderful. I cant even imagine the 92 million or what ever it is at the moment but if I won silly money I would be able to help friends who are ill and struggling financially like I am. If Im honest I would be thrilled if I won anything. A fantastic amount would be £1000. Then I could not have to worry about getting my car serviced, mot'd etc. I could get a digital recorder for when we lose the TV signal, I could buy clothes from a real shop not a charity shop and of course I could treat myself to some crafty stuff.
In the real world though although Im short of money and having to budget and account for everything. In fact I spent most of yesterday afternoon writing budgets so I know how much money I have this month. But I can cope with being 'poor' because at least Im not in debt. I dont actually owe anyone anything. Of course if something happened like my car going kaput Id have a problem, but problems means parents dont they?

Blog Candy

2008-08-31T04:16:00.000-07:00

Whilst looking around blog from Trimcrafts I found Leannes blog here
http://fluttabyz.blogspot.com/2008/08/blog-candy-time.html
Again lovely cards and ideas

Also blog candy is on Judes lovely site
http://crafts-international.blogspot.com/2008/08/wow-blogg-candy-up-for-grabs.html

Wow all these wonderful things that people are giving away. And I dont even have to make a card to enter lol

Class projects

2008-08-31T03:54:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to my first ever 'class'. I had no idea what to expect and had a really good time.

This is what I made

We were using templates from TheCraftersWorkshop.com. I found them really good as Im not 'artistic' and cant draw at all so doodling has never been something I tried. Using the templates to do a basic outline that I could then fill in was a great help

This is todays play

2008-08-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

http://fridaysketchersblog.blogspot.com/

Whilst blog hopping today I came across this site and thought oh I like that sketch.

So I had a go.

A special weekend

2008-08-25T04:36:00.000-07:00

This is the anniversary of Mogs coming into my life.
Now I have to say she almost didn't make it as whilst I was driving home with her, in my didi mini with the windows open Mogs decided to let me know she didn't like enclosed spaces. She clawed her way out of the cardboard carry box, up my chest and over my shoulder into the back of the car. Of course this meant that I'm trying to pull in and close the windows at the same time. We eventually arrived at the flats where I live and then I had the dilemma of how do I get Mogs into the block. We ended up with Mogs in my arms with her claws stuck ( and I mean stuck!) in my neck.
Once we made it home Mogs settled in and taught me how to live with a cat which having being brought up with dogs was a rather quick learning curve as they say. Over the years Mogs has become a completely different cat to the one I adopted. I adopted a cat that I got told was old, ill, would cost me a fortune in vet bills, wouldn't live long, didn't like people especially men and children, didn't like other animals, didn't like being outside etc etc. Not you have to admit the best sales pitch but it worked on me. Now I have a cat that if she can see me is happy, doesn't like being picked up and cuddled but loves to lean against me and have the top of her head kissed. She gets on well with Amber who walked into our life some 18 months later. Mogs can even cope when my parents come to visit although I'm fairly sure she tolerates my Dad because he brings her prawns.
So this weekend we had a celebration weekend. Saturday wasn't going to be much as I was out all afternoon and then again in the evening (very rare) Anyway I got woken Saturday morning by Amber scrabbling about in the bath. She has a very odd liking for falling in the bath and then trying to scrabble her way out past the shower curtain. Anyway I got up to find that she had actually weed in the bath. So I checked the trays which were OK and cleaned the bath. Later that day when I was back home in my hour between outings I decided that I should give the trays a good scrub just in case that was the problem. They looked and smelt fine to me but hey I'm not a cat. So I take the lids of the trays and take tray 1 to the bathroom to scrub. I came back to find Mogs standing where tray 1 had been and therefore at the side of tray 2 and weeing on the floor. So I scrubbed the floor, filled tray 1 and and took tray 2 to clean. I came back then to find Mogs using tray 1. So I cleaned tray 1 again and found I had about 10 minutes left to get ready to go out. The celebration for Saturday was as far as I was concerned that Mogs and Amber weren't BOTH homeless.
Anyway after a long lie in on Sunday and snuggles from both cats things are back to normal so Mogs had her treat of cat tuna yesterday and today there's a little piece of beef waiting for her. What can I say I think that after 11 years Mogs has got me well trained don't you ?

Blog Hopping and Candy

2008-08-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

So being new to Blogging Im finding it interesting, time consuming and occaisionally confusing. I dont know the ettiquette involved in blogging yet so hopefully I wont offend anyone..
Anyway today Ive been looking at
http://going-buggy.blogspot.com/
and I can say is WOW! Some great cards and ideas on there. Theres also a blog candy draw is you visit before 26th to celebrate a huge amount of hits. Im so impressed I found a counter to add to mine which currently says 1 visitor lol

ME and Cards

2008-08-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

Today I have a nice 'free' day so I thought Card making!! I can get ahead for the birthday list and generally have fun. Instead my ME has decided to make its complaint against my actions yesterday known. Now yesterday I know I did too much and I know I should have stopped rather than cleaning all the windows but I didn't so now I hurt. Fair enough I thought its my own silly fault I didn't do the pacing like I should but as least card making isn't too physically challenging.

So I sit down and card number 1 isn't even fit to be shown. Card number 2 which is the bottom card above (that really doesn't sound right) started off OK but once Id got the back ground and top organised I had no idea where to go next so ended up walking around all my card stuff trying to find 'something' to finish it off. Eventually I decided on one of the vellum quotes I never know what to do with.

Card 3 which is the top card was done from a card sketch on a card making forum but still doesn't feel quite 'right' so Ive packed up until tomorrow.

So do I spend the rest of the day blog hopping or reading craft mags.......bliss :-)

Wedding card

2008-08-09T06:50:00.001-07:00

Ive got a friend getting married this month but somehow I seem to have forgotten when??

Hopefully I havent missed it and have made the card in time

Blog Candy Black and White Challenge

2008-08-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

Whilst browsing through some blogs I found this one

http://whiteribboncards.blogspot.com/2008/08/black-white-competition-wedding-blog.html

and thought what a lovely card I must try that so heres my attempt

ME the history

2008-08-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

I was going to do a while lot about ME and how I got ill but then decided it would be easier to link to a couple of articles I wrote some time ago about my life.
http://www.mesupport.co.uk/index.php?page=m-e-the-single-person

and

http://www.mesupport.co.uk/index.php?page=cbt-my-experience

are things I wrote for a friends website some years ago. As time has gone by I have improved in my health but Im still disabled which can be hard to live with. Its especially hard as ME is an invisible illness so most of the time I dont look ill.

Im still hoping that I will be able to go back to work and have life return to 'normal' but I have to remind myself that what was normal would no longer be normal as its over 9yrs ago.
Life does tend to get me down sometimes but most of the time I try to be positive about things.
In fact I wrote this on my birthday last year

Today I am 38. This month I have now been ill for 8 years. Both statements are shocking to me. So eight years…… Eight years of lost life, Eight years of feeling ill Eight years of no money Eight years of no energy Eight years of isolation If I hadn’t been ill would I have been married with kids by now? Would I have found I job I loved, Would I have been happy??? I don’t know What I do know is this Without ME I wouldn’t have come to know and appreciate my parents as much as I do I wouldn’t have been able to see my family and get to know and enjoy my niece as I do I wouldn’t have had the time spent with my cats I wouldn’t have had chance to appreciate things in life like the countryside, beautiful scenes, day trips out. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy making cards like I do I wouldn’t have learnt how to use a computer and found friends online who are more to me than the workmates who I went to the pub with. So if I could go back in time and change things would I? Well if I could go back and be who I am now and keep the friends and the knowledge I have now, then yes definitely! Otherwise I’m not sure. Having ME means I have lost a lot, but I have also gained a lot. I think I am a nicer person now than I was, I certainly care more about things and people than I did. When I think back to how things were 8 years ago it shows me just how far I have come. Yes there have been struggles and downright horrible times but now when it’s a lovely day, I’m feeling well and I’ve got nearly as many cards as the years I have lived. Sometimes, just sometimes I think how much I’ve gained from ME and it makes me glad that in those early days I didn’t listen to the voice that said I didn’t want to live like this.

My cards

2008-08-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ive been making cards for a few years now. I started off doing embroidery but when I got ME my concentration was badly affected so I moved onto card making and enjoyed it so much Ive stayed there. These are just a few of the cards Ive made. Hopefully more will be added as I make them.

My cats

2008-07-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

I have 2 cats Mogs is about 16 and has been with me since 1997. She was a rescue cat that I adopted against the rescue's advice as they saide she was old, ill, would cost me a fortune in vet bills, wouldnt live long, didnt like people, didnt like being outside and didnt like other animals. Even after the hard sell, or maybe because of it, I took her home and shes been here ever since.

Amber is the tortie cat and she lives up to the nortie tortie description as much as she can. She walked in just before bonfire night 1999 and never left. Shes a complete cuddle kitten and loves to play which is the opposite of Mogs so they get on quite well.

2008-07-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog. I couldnt decide if I should blog my illness, crafting or just life in general so its all 3 as none are the whole of my life but all are part of my life.
So starting with the illness part have ME and have been ill since 1999. I am slowly improving but sometimes its hard to see the improvement unless I sit down and think about being ill and I dont do that much as its not much fun.
Secondly crafting. I make cards, have done a scrapbook and would like to do another sometime, I do counted thread embroidery, I do beading, Ive made a patchwork bag, Im sure you can see where Im going with this. Basically I tend to enjoy most crafts and love to learn new things.
Last but obviously not least life in general. Well that involves the usual things like living with 2 cats, trying to lose weight, having no money, etc etc
So my blog.......... well lets just say

Welcome to the ramblings!!!